How Bereaved Children Think, Feel, And Behave, And Ways Adults Can Help

Children experience many different thoughts and feelings when they are dealing with the death of a parent or sibling. Following is a brief summary of children's experiences of grief, and some suggestions of how adults can best respond to the needs of bereaved children.

Shock and Denial
Shock is one of the first feelings children experience when a parent or sibling has died. They may think the person is not really dead, or is coming back. They may feel little or no emotion. They may behave as if everything is fine. Adults sometimes have difficulty understanding how children can be laughing and playing, when someone they love has just died. However, this stage of shock and denial allows children to retreat from their emotional pain, so they can face their grief when they are ready. Adults can help children at this stage by accepting children's apparent lack of feelings as a normal response, while at the same time giving them permission to openly express their emotions. The book, Explaining Death to Children by Earl Grollman offers useful suggestions. Reading children storybooks about death can also be helpful. (A good selection of books can be found at Parentbooks: 416-537-8334 or www.parentbookstore.com.)

Disorganization and Panic
Bereaved children often experience a heightened sense of disorganization or panic. They may think, "Who will take care of me now?" or "Will I or someone else I love die too?" They may feel scared, insecure, confused, or overwhelmed. They may behave by appearing irritable, hyperactive, or unfocussed. They may complain of frequent headaches or stomachaches, or have trouble sleeping or eating. They may become regressed or clingy in an effort to get comfort, or they may act older than their years as a way of trying to feel in control. It is helpful for caregivers to reassure the child by saying things like, "Even though I feel sad, I am going to be okay and I am here to take care of you," or "Even though the doctors could not make your sister better, most people live a long and healthy life." Providing children with comfort and reassurance will support them through this difficult time.

Explosive Emotions
Sometimes bereaved children exhibit explosive emotions, such as rage, blame, terror, and jealousy. They may think their life is out of control. They may feel overwhelmed. They may behave by acting out. It is helpful to encourage the healthy expression of emotions, while setting appropriate limits. A three-step process can be used: 1. Label the child's feelings (e.g., "You are angry because dad is not here to play baseball with you.") 2. Set a limit (e.g., "It's okay to be angry but it's not okay to let out your anger by punching your sister.") 3. Provide an appropriate alternative (e.g., "You can let out your anger by punching a pillow.") It is also helpful to understand the needs that underlie children's acting-out behavior. For example, children may be communicating a need to be comforted, reassured, or empowered.

Guilt
Many children blame themselves when someone they love dies. Children may believe their words or actions caused the death. For example, in anger a child may say, "I hate you, I wish you were dead!" and then when that person dies, they believe their angry thoughts caused the death. Children may also believe their misbehavior caused the death. They may think "It's all my fault." They may feel like they are bad, or worthless. They may behave by directly or indirectly seeking punishment, or by acting good in order to bring the person back to life. In addition to blaming themselves for the person's death, children may also blame themselves for the grief of those around them. For example, if they see a parent crying, they may believe it is their fault. It is helpful to provide children with opportunities to talk openly about their feelings, and to help them understand that their thoughts or behavior did not cause the death. For example, it is helpful to say, "It is very sad that mom died, but nothing you said or did caused her to die." Providing children with unconditional love and acceptance will also help alleviate their feelings of guilt and shame.
Sadness
As children begin to acknowledge the reality and finality of the loss, their sadness begins to surface. They may think, "Mom is gone and is never coming back." They may feel depressed, empty, alone, or hopeless. They may behave by crying, or by being sullen and withdrawn. Often these feelings surface long after the death, when adults fail to make the connection to the death that occurred months or even years earlier. But it is important to understand that this is a time when children are particularly vulnerable, and are in need of support.

Acceptance
People, both children and adults, do not "get over" grief, but feelings do lessen in intensity over time. At some point in the grief process, children come to accept the reality of the loss. It is at this point that children think, "Daddy is gone, I miss him, but I'm going to be okay." They feel a renewed sense of energy, hope, and confidence. They behave by being more joyful and by becoming re-involved in the activities of living. It is helpful to be patient, and allow children to grieve in their own way and in their own time. It is also helpful to recognize that children re-visit grief at various points throughout their life, and to prepare children for these potential "grief attacks."

Conclusion
Caregivers have a major impact on children, and play an important role in easing children through the difficult task of mourning. Adults can help by acknowledging what children are thinking, validating what they are feeling, and responding sensitively to how they are behaving.

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