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It’s associated with pain,
hardship, suffering, endless days of crying and
never seeing the sun. It’s hard –
tough on the body, spirit and mind. No one wants
to have to go through grief. All hope to avoid
it.
The Oxford Dictionary defines
“grief” as the media does —
intense mourning. I know that’s true because
when Daniel first died, the agonizing pain was
intense. It colored each aspect of every breath
I took. To walk into a store was painful. Seeing
my surviving children and knowing that from now
on Daniel would not be with us on earth again
crushed every nerve.
But the dictionary, like the
media, fails to take the meaning of this word
a step further. Grief is defined as though it
is a process with an ending. This leads our society
to believe that one day, you lose your grief,
as you have lost your child. As the years have
gone on, I am under the impression that my grief,
and that of fellow bereaved parents, will hold
no ending. As long as we live on this earth without
our children, we will miss them, love them, mourn
for what might have been and therefore, grieve.
Granted, grief may not be as
intense. For this, we are grateful. If the rest
of our lives would entail the fierceness of fresh
grief, how could we ever breathe normally again
or function as civilized members of society? No
one can live on a wild out-of-control roller coaster
of emotions for all of life.
“I am functioning on my
guts right now. Whatever I feel like doing, I
do it. I'm in a no-nonsense frame of mind, and
I like it. It's empowering, and I can feel it's
a direct result of loss and grief.” Nan
Tanner, editor of “Inspired to Journal”
and who has suffered the loss of her father, put
it quite well. I know that feeling of boldness
that new grief can give you. Nan says she feels
like steel.
It is amazing to me that while
we are crushed by grief, we are also empowered
by how it can make us determined to stand up more
for what we believe in, not take any slack from
anyone and be in that no-nonsense frame of mind.
Is this a gift? Could it be that
grief, with its endless component, is really a
gift to be opened and dealt with, and used for
our benefit?
Recently, just before Daniel’s
would-be-tenth-birthday, a college friend who
knows that since Daniel’s death I have collected
watermelon objects, sent a box filled with dishes
and other items — all with the red, green
and white motif. Being able to cry when I opened
my watermelon package was a gift. Writing a poem
later that week in memory of Daniel and using
the watermelon theme, was an added bonus. Sending
the poem to friends and other bereaved parents
was a tribute to Daniel. Praise for the poem and
remembrances of Daniel were given to me.
People establish funds, scholarships,
start newsletters, write books and plant trees
— all in honor of some loved one who has
died. Mourners put their grief to work in order
to honor and carry on the love they hold for the
one they can no longer embrace. Grief is not always
in the obvious and expected form of tears. Some
might think that a person no longer with tears
is no longer in grief. Many tears do not reach
the eyes but are forever present in the heart.
So what is grief? It is a mixture,
a hodge-podge, a collection of emotions that range
from one end of the scale of human feelings to
the other end. Grief causes us to act and react.
As I listen to the crickets and
bullfrogs near Daniel’s memorial tree, I
pen some of my thoughts on what grief has been
for me:
Grief is laughing with your
children and wishing for the absent one to make
the circle complete.
Grief is crying in your car at stoplights.
Some days grief makes you brutally honest; other
days, grief muzzles you.
Grief reconstructs your heart.
Grief is sadness, hope, smiles and tears –
rolled tightly like a snowball.
Grief makes you search past the stars and the
moon for Heaven.
Grief strips you of everything you were pretending
to be.
Grief gives you new priorities.
Grief opens hidden treasures from deep within
your soul.
Grief allows you to empathize more deeply with
others who ache.
Grief makes you unapologetically bold.
Grief is a daily companion, best dealt with by
admitting you do walk with it, even after all
these years.
Grief is the price of love; grief is a gift.
Allow yourself time to listen
to the sounds of the night and write what grief
is to you.
Reprinted with kind permission
from www.howtomakeafamily.com
and author Alice J. Wisler. (Editor - Tributes,
LARGO, Writing the Heartache, Daniel's House Publications,
Down The Cereal Aisle - reviewed by The Midwest
Book Review. Alice Wisler’s website is www.geocities.com/griefhope/index.html)
In her column "The Expanded Sky," Alice
talks about the possibilities of living with grief,
instead of building walls against it. For those
who've experienced precious losses, her words
and ideas will provide empowering structure. For
those who've been as yet untouched by loss, understanding
grief now can be eye-opening preparation.
Doctoral
Research Study:
Meaning-Making in Bereaved Parents: Process and
Outcome
You are invited to take part
in a research study. This project is a Doctoral
thesis at Concordia University in Montreal, Quebec
investigating the bereavement process of parents
who have lost a child to an illness.
You may fill out an online questionnaire
through the website below, or you can contact
the researcher at the email address listed below
and she will send you a questionnaire package.
Additionally, you are invited to participate in
an interview to discuss your bereavement experience.
If you fulfill the following
requirements, please contact the researcher. Your
confidentiality is respected and assured in this
process.
• You are a bereaved parent
• Your child died between 6 months and 20
years ago
• Your child died from an illness
• Your child’s illness lasted a minimum
of 6 months
• Your child was under the age of 18 years
at the time of diagnosis and was living at home
This project has received approval
from BFO-Toronto’s Professional Advisory
Committee. For more detailed information about
he study, you can go to BFO-Toronto’s website
at www.bfotoronto.ca.
A Silent Sorrow Pregnancy Loss: Guidance and Support
for You and Your Family:
Ingrid Kohn & Perry-Lynn
Moffitt c Routledge 2000
A Book Review by Christine Jonas-Simpson
RN; PhD
When I read the book, “A
Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss: Guidance and Support
for You and Your Family,” 2nd Edition, I read
it as a health care professional, and most importantly,
as a grieving mother whose baby boy, Ethan, was
born still two years ago. This book reflects an
understanding of the experiences of precious loss
that are shared by those of us whose babies have
passed over while at once acknowledging our unique
journey through grief. In the preface the authors
state that their intent with this book is to “validate
the grief mothers and fathers feel in a world that
lacks patience with understanding sorrow”
(p. xiv). They achieve this goal in a sensitive,
honest and personal way and give voice to many thoughts
that can be silenced in a society fearful of a baby’s
passing. For me, this alone was worth reading the
book, as feeling understood is very healing. I also
appreciate how the authors affirm that we will never
forget our children, nor would we want to, and how
our loss and sorrow becomes integrated into our
lives - not forgotten.
There are four sections to the
book: The Grief of Pregnancy Loss; Pregnancy Loss
Examined; The Response of Others; and, Special Circumstances.
Much of the book is written based on interviews
with parents who experience loss and many quotes
from these parents are used throughout the book.
Each section has chapters that are summarized at
the end with key points which were helpful as I
found, especially earlier on, depending on how I
was feeling, brevity was appreciated. There are
four appendices as well that address, “problem
pregnancies,” rituals, pregnancy loss and
the environment and a comprehensive list of resources.
This book is very helpful and comprehensive
as it covers many topics such as grief of mothers,
fathers, grandparents and children, various pregnancy
losses, infertility after loss, impact on careers,
and getting pregnant again; however, I do have some
criticisms. To benefit from the recommendations
for the early days after a baby passes, including
rituals like funeral services, I would have had
to read the book immediately after my son’s
passing and this would not have been possible. However,
this information would be helpful to a health care
professional assisting a family through this time.
Some recommendations are specific to an American
audience which is somewhat limiting. Also, this
book is, to some extent, conservative in its scope.
For example, there is a focus on the biomedical
hospital experience which is important; however,
additional holistic experiences with grief and loss
such as, journaling, music and aroma-therapy, Reiki,
and naturopathy would have be helpful to discuss.
In the chapter on “finding solace in your
religion” the authors not only spoke of solace
but also how religions can fail parents, and this
is very important to discuss openly. While it would
take an entire book to examine all religions the
focus was limited to formal religions such as Islam,
Judaism and Christianity, when in fact, many parents
seek solace in broader spiritual writings and practices.
Last but most important to me, the term “stillborn”
or “stillbirth” must be changed. These
terms are jarring as they objectify a baby. I recommend
the use of the terms, “born still” or
“stillborn son or daughter” which the
authors use at times, but not consistently.
Two years after my son’s
passing, I found this book to be very helpful on
my journey of living with loss; a journey of love.
It was consoling for the most part, personal and
informative. As a health care professional I view
this as essential reading for those caring for parents
who experience the loss of a baby. To find understanding
in a world that can silence sorrow, especially the
sorrow of our children’s brief life on earth,
which profoundly changes our lives forever, this
book achieves its goal.
A Blue Christmas service
will be held at Knox United Church, Agincourt
on Sunday evening, December 14, 2003 at
7:00 p.m. This will be a brief service to
acknowledge that Christmas is not a happy
time for everyone. Knox invites you to come
and find comfort in your loss and hope in
the midst of your grief. Candles will be
lit in memory of loved ones. There will
be a quiet time for warm cider and sharing
following the service. Know is lovated on
the northeast corner of Midland and Sheppard
Avenues in Scarborough. For further information
please call the church office at 416-293-2232
x 0.
"When we honestly ask ourselves which
person in our lives means the most to us,
we often find that it is those who, instead
of giving much advice, solutions, or cures,
have chosen rather to share our pain and
touch our wounds with a gentle and tender
hand. The friend who can be silent with
us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief
or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing,
not curing, not healing and face with us
the reality of our powerlessness, that is
a friend who cares."
Henri Nouwen from "Out of Solitude"
Do you remember when you first came to
BFO-Toronto? Many of you have told me that
while you may not remember the name of the
person you spoke with, you do remember feeling
supported and heard and comforted. Because
someone else who has “walked in your
shoes” was willing to open their hearts
and be with you in your pain. I think that
volunteers at BFO-Toronto are beacons of
hope for the newly bereaved who come to
us. They represent the possibility of surviving
the death of a beloved child, parent or
sibling and they are remarkable sources
of inspiration and resiliency.
While there is certainly a cost to volunteering:
emotionally, spiritually and just practically,
in terms of time and energy, the benefits
are also tremendous:
Terrie, a bereaved mother who is currently
co-facilitating her second group, tells
me that she “gets more than she gives
from volunteering”. Sam, a newly trained
volunteer and a bereaved dad, called me
the day after he met with a newly bereaved
father for the first time to ask if it was
“okay to feel so good about being
able to help someone who was in so much
pain”. Pavan, a bereaved young adult
who is now facilitating a group for other
young adults who have lost a sibling or
a parent, finds that “coming to BFO-Toronto
is the best part of my week. It makes me
feel like I’m doing something real
and important with my time and it makes
me feel close to my brother”.
If you feel that you are far enough along
in your own grief journey and would like
to extend the hand of hope to another bereaved
person, we are currently recruiting new
volunteers to train to:
Meet with new individuals and couples who
call BFO-Toronto for support
Co-facilitate Parental, Infant Loss, Young
Adult, Children and Adolescent support groups
Most volunteers facilitate one, 10-week
group per calendar year either in the Fall
(Sept-Dec), Winter (Jan-March) or Spring
(April-June) and are available once every
couple of months to conduct a one-to-one
meeting.
We are also recruiting volunteers for the
position of Professional Advisor –
mental health, social service and education
professionals who have some experience with
grief and loss and group process –
to provide support to the peer volunteer
facilitators.
The training program has been described
by participants as “an excellent,
well organized program”, “a
healing tool”, “a source of
courage and inspiration”, “tremendously
worthwhile” and “very practical
and very powerful”. The six-session
(two evenings and four full days) training
course for 2004 has been set for Thursday,
March 25, Saturday, March 28, Saturday,
April 3, Thursday, April 15, Saturday, April
18 and Saturday, April 24, 2004. Please
contact me at 416-440-0290 ext. 11 or barutledge@bfotoronto.ca
for more information. Even if you’re
not sure, we can meet to talk more about
it.
“Sometimes our light goes out,
but it is blown again into flame by an encounter
with another human being. Each of us owes
the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled
this inner light…”
Albert Schweitzer
It is with regret that
the Board of Directors has accepted the
resignation of John Bickley as Chair of
the Board. We wish to thank him for his
dedicated service as Chair for the past
year. Whenever he saw an opportunity, he
worked tirelessly to promote BFO-Toronto.
We also wish to acknowledge his passion
for BFO-Toronto, which he displayed as he
fulfilled many other volunteer roles in
the organization.
We want to assure everyone that the priorities
the Board established under John’s
leadership remain in place. Guided by The
Connections Project – Final Report,
our Diversity Action Plan and our Fundraising
Plan, the Board of Directors, at their meeting
on March 27th, approved six priorities for
2003. These are:
Continue to improve the financial management
and stability of BFO-Toronto
Develop a plan for the future home of BFO-Toronto,
beginning with a needs assessment
Provide quality programs / service ensuring
these are in keeping with our organizational
values
Develop an outreach/public awareness plan
and begin implementation in specific communities,
one being bereaved youth, coming from
different backgrounds and cultures within
the school environment
Review and devise a strategy to recruit
volunteers, to meet the future programming
and outreach needs of BFO-Toronto
The Board has wholeheartedly confirmed a
commitment to diversity and BFO-Toronto’s
Diversity Action Plan has been approved
in principle.
The board is currently recruiting new members
and would welcome suggestions from the membership
that would identify potential directors
with skills related to the listed priorities.
The Board’s Governance Committee is
developing specific criteria and an interview
process for Board applicants. (For more
information please see the notice in this
newsletter).
As vice-chair I was asked by the Board to
assume the role of chair. I have accepted
the position until the Annual General Meeting
in June 2004. At that time, as is the usual
procedure, the Board will nominate and elect
office holders as required.
Christopher
Michael Antolin
Fern Aronoff
William Carlos Blanco
Todd Burley
Jonathon and Stephanie Clark
Sean Murray Drennan
Bryan Scott Ellis
Carrie Evans
Tamara Goldman
Johanna Marie Goldthorpe
Linda Herskowitz
Stacey Levitt
Henry Lodwich
Doris Lupton
Sheldon MacNeil
Scot J. Mailer
David McGovern
Patricia Ostler
Donnie Page
Bea, Steve and Dan Rasmussen
Emily Senn Robertson
Nadine Schappert
Ryan Scozzese
Timothy Shea
Lisa Shore
Justin Peter Smith
Ricky Sulker
Paul Dickson Taylor
Shannon Tejpal
Over the past year the
Board of Directors have engaged various
members, staff and consultants to assess
BFO-Toronto’s strengths and values
and to identify opportunities for improvement
and growth. One of the more significant
opportunities identified is to actively
pursue diversification, in terms of better
reflecting the community we serve, throughout
the organization.
In addition, we have also
established a committee that is working
on developing a 3-5 year vision for BFO.
The Board of Directors
are now seeking new board members to help
lead the organization into the future. If
you, or someone you know, are interested
in being part of this change we ask that
you please contact Janet Wilson (416-440-0290)
or Grant Caven (416-480-3999) for more information.
First of all I would like
to express my sincere gratitude and heartfelt
thanks to those members who responded to our
many requests for support. Whether it was
in response to our mailing in September; volunteering
at, sponsoring or buying tickets to Big Night
Out and/or helping to organize our Tree of
Light memorial event, we truly appreciate
all your support. BFO-Toronto could not exist
without it.
Secondly and most importantly
I would like to express my most sincere apologies
for an advertisement that went into the Toronto
Star, last week, regarding Bereaved Families
of Ontario-Toronto’s special event,
Big Night Out.
We acknowledge that the advertisement
was very inappropriate and we are extremely
sorry for any pain it caused. We, at Bereaved
Families of Ontario-Toronto, know first hand,
that excessive drinking has been the cause,
either directly or indirectly, of the death
of many of our loved ones and this was a serious
mistake on our part.
I can only add that we have
learnt from this mistake. We have now put
processes in place, to prevent this kind of
advertising from happening again.
Janet Wilson
Executive Director
To whom it may concern;
Re: Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto Big
Night Out Advertisement in the Toronto Star
On Tuesday October 28th the Big Night Out
Fund Raising Committee was informed that Bereaved
Families of Ontario (BFO) members including
Mothers Against Drunk Driving, (MADD) were
uncomfortable with our advertising which ran
in the Toronto Star. In no way was this (Big
Night Out) advertisement intended to promote
drinking and driving and we apologize to those
whom this offended.
Upon receipt of this news we took the immediate
steps to change all of our
advertising creative including writing a new
headline and changing our visual
reference. We also placed a message of "if
you drink don't drive" on all of our
communication. Unfortunately, due to the Toronto
Star’s immediate insertion and material
closing dates we were unable to catch the
October 30th insertion deadline.
Once again we sincerely apologize
for offending members of BFO-Toronto. Our
committee and volunteers will continue working
on our very special
evening Big Night Out, for a very special
cause Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto.
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supporters. Our newsletter
is available by mail and email.
We welcome submissions, please forward to
info@bfotoronto.ca.
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
for publication
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