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The memories of my son Chad Richard
Wynter, born 5-5-75 at 9:35 a.m., are forever embedded
in my mind. That was the luckiest day of my life.
The memory of how he succumbed to his death haunts
me and I am haunted to think that someone actually
betrayed another human being by taking his life.
The pain of losing my first-born
child, who was at the age of 25, is so intense.
At nights when I would go to bed I could not fathom
waking up to see another day. I wanted to experience
the death that Chad had experienced. Words cannot
describe the pain, unless you have experienced a
similar loss, one cannot understand the despair
and grief that entered my life on March 3, 2001.
On a daily basis I am still haunted by the images
of my son’s lifeless body when I went to identify
his body in the morgue. A beautiful, handsome Black
man in the prime of his life lay dead, unable to
answer me when I called his name and unable to tell
me who his murderer was. I felt that I was going
into a place where I knew that it would be hard
for me to resurrect from. It was at that moment
I called on the strength of my ancestors and decided
to forgive the murderer, because there was no way
that the murderer would kill again in my family.
I was betrayed by the silence in
my community surrounding the death of my son. Many
within the community knew who had committed this
heinous crime and chose to remain silent. This compounded
my grief because other people around me knew who
murdered my son and they neglected to inform me.
The silence in our community is destroying our community
and our families. A feeling of hopelessness and
despair is plaguing our community. When we hear
the news that another young man has been murdered,
we know that not only the victims family will suffer
but also the community as a whole. This is why is
it critical to develop programs for the Black community
by members within the Black community to help support
us in our time of grief and overall devastation
within our lives. The devastation in our lives does
not begin with the murder of our children. It has
been a part of our existence for decades. The loss
of a child has only been compounded by the unresolved
devastation and trauma in our lives, prior to the
murdering of our children. Due to the stigma surrounding
murder many of our children are falsely stereotyped
within the media and within the community. This
stigma adds another layer to our grieving process.
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find
It unless you seek it in the heart of life? If you
would indeed behold
The spirit of death, open you heart wide unto the
body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and
sea are one.
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall
you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then
you shall begin
To climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs,
THEN
YOU SHALL TRULY DANCE.
This excerpt is from a book entitled The Prophet
by Kahlil Gibran. This book was from Chad Wynter’s
personal library. The words within this book inspired
Chad and uplifted me. Ashae
6
weeks
Saturday mornings 10:30am to 11:45am
March 5th – April 16th, 2005
(March 5, March 12, March 19, week off, April
2, April 9, April 16)
No previous
Yoga experience is needed.
Students of all levels are welcome.
Classes take place at BFO-Toronto - 28 Madison Ave. (Bloor & Spadina).
Feedback
from past participants:
“The Yoga classes at
BFO-Toronto have helped me to learn how to relax
and be more peaceful.”
“The classes have given
me the tools to help in meditating with or without
a yoga practice. I’ve gained insight into
becoming more relaxed in stressful situations
by using breathing techniques.”
“It has helped me to
handle the stress of returning to work after a
year of being off.”
TEACHER:
Heather Barnes has been a student
of yoga for over twenty years. Over the past three
years her practice has deepened and become an
integral part of her life. In February 2004 she
received her certification as a yoga teacher upon
completion of an intensive training programme
in California. She teaches Hatha yoga, a form
of yoga that not only helps to increase strength
and flexibility but also, by focusing on the breath,
can promote relaxation and an awakening of energy.
Heather is also a bereaved parent.
Her son Joshua died in December 1991. It is her
experience with the healing aspects of yoga in
her own life, which has inspired her to share
this experience with others.
COST:
Working on the Buddhist principal
of “dana”, students will be asked
to make a small donation for each of the six classes.
The suggested amount of donation is $5 per class,
but no one will be excluded from participating
if they are unable to afford it.
Yoga mats will
be provided, but we ask you that you bring your
own small blanket or towel.
RSVP: Call
Betty Ann at 416-440-0290 ext. 11.
BFO-Toronto 28 Madison Ave. (Bloor & Spadina), Toronto, ON M5R 2S1 416-440-0290 www.bfotoronto.ca
“Help thy brother’s
boat across, and lo! thine own has reached
the shore”.
- Hindu Proverb
The following is from
the book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations
for Working through Grief.
One reason that self-help/mutual
support groups are so effective is that
they enlist us in helping one another
– so that in each transaction two
people are helped and our coping muscles
are strengthened in helping another through
the familiar rapids.
To help another is to
forget, for a few moments at least, one’s
own primary consuming need. We gain a
little perspective in knowing we’re
not the only one. And having a similar
need, we understand one another and are
bonded together in ways that only those
who have traveled the same pathway can
be. We don’t need to explain –
the other knows – he or she has
been there.
Initially in these pairings,
we will be the needier. Someone who has
been there can be our guide, our hope-inducing
model. Then, after a while, we will take
our turn as the guide. But even then,
the sorrow that still lingers will lessen
as we bring life-giving hope to another:
“See, I made it through. So can
you.”
***
I’ve never before
read such a perfect description of what
volunteering at Bereaved Families is all
about. I call our volunteers, “Beacons
of Hope”. On the telephone, meeting
one on one, or in a group setting, our
volunteers reach out and provide the kind
of hope that only someone else who has
“been there” can.
Our annual Spring Volunteer
Training program will take place in March/April
(dates to be determined). As we look at
continuing to expand our programs and
outreach, we are particularly interested
in hearing from interested potential volunteers:
whose children have participated in
a BFO-Toronto group and who would like
to co-facilitate concurrent parenting
groups for parents/caregivers who are
supporting a bereaved child
bereaved parents and bereaved young adults
who speak more than one language and/or
who come from diverse cultural and faith
backgrounds to meet one on one and/or
facilitate mutual support groups
healthcare, educational and/or social
work professionals to volunteer as supervisors
to our peer facilitators in both the adult
and children’s programs
If you would like to
know more about volunteer opportunities
at BFO-Toronto, I would be happy to speak
with you. I can be reached at 416-440-0290
ext. 11 or barutledge@bfotoronto.ca.
Betty Ann Rutledge, Program Manager
Now I say to
you in conclusion,
life is hard,
at times as hard as crucible steel.
It has its bleak and difficult moments.
Like the ever-flowing waters of
the river,
life has its moments of drought
and its moments of flood.
Like the ever-changing cycle of
the seasons,
life has the soothing warmth of
its summers
and the piercing chill of its winters.
But if one will hold on,
he will discover that God walks
with him,
and that God is able to lift you
from the fatigue of despair
to the buoyancy of hope
and transform dark and desolate
valleys
into sunlit paths of inner peace.
eulogy for the martyred
children - Martin Luther King Jr.
– 1963
In recognition of Martin Luther
King, Jr. Day January 17, 2005
Over 500 of our
community members gathered at Toronto City Hall
on Thursday, December 2, 2004 for our 12th annual
Tree of Light ceremony of remembrance. 420 names
were hung on white doves on a beautifully lit
tree to remember our loved ones. Our thanks to
Toronto City Hall, Open Window Bakery and McGill
Productions/MacLaren McCann Advertising for their
assistance in making this event possible.
The tree lighting was preceded by the following
remarks:
Janet Wilson Remarks:
Good evening and Welcome to the Tree of Light.
My name is Janet Wilson and I’m the Executive
Director of Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto.
We are here this evening to remember. To remember
our mother, our father, our sister or our brother,
our daughter, our son, our family member or our
friends who are no longer with us……
We are here to remember them.
As different faiths, communities
and cultures come together to create rituals through
customs, beliefs or traditions, so it is important
for the bereaved community to come together to
create a meaningful ritual of remembrance. The
Tree of Light ceremony has become a special ritual,
offering a tremendous sense of honouring for the
loved ones we are missing. We hope that it also
offers balance, support and comfort for you.
I believe that rituals and memorials,
like the one tonight, empower people emotionally,
mentally and spiritually. By writing our loved
ones name on a dove, on a tree, at a significant
time of year, gives them a presence in our lives
and provides meaning in our lives.
Finally I’d like to read you something that
was written by a BFO-Toronto volunteer. Her name
is Helmi Paradowski. Her son Matthew died 10 years
ago, when he was just one month old.
Helmi writes…
“ For our family, memorials for Matthew
are the most meaningful when they are tied to
a significant point in his life – his birthday
or the anniversary of his death. These we keep
special within the family. The other important
times are around a major event in everyone else’s
life – like the December Holiday Season.
By having this memorial for Matthew, when everyone
else is also focused on this special time of year,
makes us feel as if he is still a part of the
occasion. The Tree of Light is our family’s
start to the Holiday Season. We give our son his
special time and then we can begin our celebrating
with his light looking down upon us”
Our loved ones will always be remembered.
Thank you.
Poem by Jennie
Thompson (in honour of sister Stephanie):
My Light Still Burns
The daylight has ended
The night is now free
But my light still burns, remember me
It may seem like I’m gone
But I stay here with you
My light still burns in the morning dew
I am where there’s no sorrow
But I wish to be with you
And so my light I give to you
On a torch of love
And I promise to watch over you with
Loving care
And take care of my light
My light still burns
With love, with you
Remarks by Maureen Ford:
Good evening and welcome. My
name is Maureen Ford and I am a member of the
Board of Directors at Bereaved Families of Ontario-
Toronto.
I lost a best friend when we were both 18 and
his name is Stephen Donald Oakes. There was no
Bereaved Families organization at that time for
teens to talk about their loss.
All these years later, I came to volunteer with
BFO-Toronto in the hopes of being able to learn
more about grief and resolve some of my long-ago
feelings about Stephen’s death. Little did
I know that one of the founding mothers of BFO
was Stephen’s mom, Diane Foster.
Tonight I dedicate the poem “We Remember
Them” to Stephen.
We Remember
Them
In the rising of the sun
and in its going down,
We remember them;
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill
of winter,
We remember them;
In the opening of the buds and in the warmth
of summer,
We remember them;
In the rustling of leaves and the beauty
of autumn,
We remember them;
In the beginning of the year and when it
ends,
We remember them;
When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them;
When we are lost and sick of heart,
We remember them;
When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them;
So long as we live, they too shall live,
For they are now a part of us, as
We remember them. — From Gates of Prayer,
Reform Judaism Prayer Book
Tonight, we also remember that
so many families in our city, country and around
the world are mourning the loss of their beloveds.
Many grieve in silence or in isolation, and don't
have the support of a community like Bereaved
Families of Ontario.
We are all touched by the tragic stories we see
on the news, read in the paper and hear about
in our daily lives. For the silent mourners, for
those who can't be with us tonight, we hang a
dove that simply says "We Remember."
Remarks by Lethel Shand:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Lethel Shand. On September 14, 1999
the call that all parents dread came to my home
– my eldest son Patrick Charles Shand was
dead. The call came from the Chaplain of the Scarborough
Grace Hospital. He said that I should come immediately
to the hospital because my son was badly hurt.
I asked, “How bad?” He replied, “he
could not say because he was only the Chaplain.”
My son’s girlfriend came on the line and
said “he is dead” and I asked her,
“how dead?” She replied, “dead,
dead, because he is not breathing.”
On that day, a part of me died with my son. The
lights went out at my home. The joy, the peace,
the laughter all moved out, and the pain, shock,
grief, rage, sorrow and darkness moved in. During
the two weeks it took to make the funeral arrangements,
I walked around in shock, pain and disbelief.
After his funeral I said, “from now on,
it will only be winters for me – no more
spring, summer or fall – no rainbows in
the sky and no butterflies in my back garden”.
The pain of losing grandparents, parents, siblings,
aunts and uncles could not compare to the pain
of losing my child. The pain is unbearable.
Five months later, I decided I needed help. So
I made the call to Bereaved Families of Ontario.
Today I am here because of the help I received
from them. They gave me a place to grieve, to
speak about my anger, my pain and sorrow and validate
my grief. Tonight I would like to say thank you
to some very important people who have helped
me through these dark days.
My friend and family doctor – Dr. Elise
Spring, the best doctor in all of Toronto who
cared and loved Patrick and even took him into
her home for awhile. On the evening of Patrick’s
death, she closed her office and came to be with
my family and friends. The Clergy was a the hospital
with me after the call came, worked with me on
the funeral arrangements and on the Memorial Service,
and continued to help me daily with their love,
prayers and support. Last but not least, my beloved
BFO family. You have listened to my pain, my anger,
my sorrow, my grief. You have cried with me and
laughed with me on the days when I could. You
have helped me to see springs, summers and falls
again. To the staff and volunteers of BFO-Toronto,
thank you for walking with me through my pain.
At the end of my group, I wrote this poem to the
mothers in memory of our children. Tonight I would
like to dedicate this poem to United Mothers Opposed
to Violence Everywhere (UMOVE), to Cecilia’s
and Holly’s parents, to all the children
who died in Beslan and to all of you who have
lost loved ones. The poem is called “Forever
in our Hearts”.
Forever in our
Hearts
May we see or hear our children.
In the first bud of spring
In the colours of the flowers everywhere.
In butterflies. In spring showers
beating softly
Upon the window pane.
In summer garden
with perfumed air from nature’s fragrance.
May we see them
In the first snowfall.
When it falls softly on the ground.
In children playing on skating rinks
And on ski slopes.
May we see and hear them
in love songs
In blue skies, in gentle breezes
In the whisper of leaves, in moonlit skies.
In birds singing softly in the air.
In mountain streams, rushing rivers, lakes
and seas.
May we see and hear them
In those with whom they shared their love
In new and old friends
And at all special occasions.
Most of all, may we see
and hear them
through the eyes and love of Jesus
Who gave them eternal life.
What started as a one widow’s
desire to normalize her daughter’s experience
of father loss, has now blossomed into a vibrant
and important social organization in the Greater
Toronto Area.
Donna Rowe, program director
of WP lost her husband three years ago in a tragic
car accident. Donna brought her daughter, Maddy
to BFO in Toronto for the children’s groups.
“It was comforting being in the company
of other bereaved folks.”
But she felt that the 6-8 week
courses weren’t enough. “I needed
more of a connection. I found the camaraderie
and understanding of others who experienced the
loss of a spouse important to my mourning. Having
young children is a very bonding issue for widowed
parents.” Fellow widowed parent, Michael
Chiu was also instrumental in setting up the group.
He provided much insight and assistance in planning
and implementing programs.
Donna says approximately 40 families
have attended the group’s monthly events.
“The mission of Widowed Parents of the GTA
is to have a good time, again. It is almost impossible
in early stages of grief and loss not to feel
like the “odd person out” in most
social situations.”
She says that new people to the
group can look at others a ways up the path and
take heart they too will see the light of day
again. “You just feel like one of the gang.
No one is different; yes the circumstances of
their spouse’s death may differ, but in
general we are all in the same boat. Many deep
bonds are formed and members have found kindred
souls as good friends.”
The group is a social and not
a formal therapy group. Many grieving spouses
do need professional support, but WP offers a
different kind of support – more self-help
and social in nature. Widows and widowers should
know that we don’t offer professional guidance
with grief, but often people find the relationships
they form very therapeutic and healing, Donna
says.
WP welcomes widowed spouses with
children under age 15. Although there is no formal
age limit for children, most are currently in
that age range. People are encouraged to come
to WP approximately, three months after the death
of their spouse. “In that way they will
have had a chance to start at BFO or establish
themselves with a bereavement therapist.”
The events are completely social.
Last year’s events included downtown dinners,
a holiday party with a magician, dinners at members’
homes and an afternoon indoor playground or in
the Beaches. Also, the group spends four days
together at the YMCA’s Geneva Park every
July 1st weekend.
For more information, please
contact, Donna Rowe, Program Director at widowedparents-gta
[widowedparents-gta@rogers.com]
416.693.7836.
Our Fifth Annual Hematology/Oncology
Memorial Service will honour all of
the children treated for cancer at the Hospital
for Sick Children who have
died. All interested families, Hematology/Oncology
staff, and other HSC
staff are invited to attend. This gathering will
bring staff and families
together to honor the life and memory of the children,
to recognize the
unique contributions of the children to our lives,
to acknowledge the
irreplaceable loss that has been endured, and
to assist with grief and
healing.
The memorial service will be
held on Sunday, April 17th, 2005, 3:00-5:00 PM.
Great Hall, Hart House, University
of Toronto, St. George Campus
7 Hart House Circle, General Inquiry (416) 978-2452
For further information please
call Francis So (Hematology/Oncology, HSC)
(416) 813-8872.
I am pleased to announce that
once again our Big Night Out Event was a success.
A different twist added to this year’s event
increased attendance and ticket sales. All production
agencies in the Toronto area were asked to challenge
their skills by entering a contest and produce
a 3-minute short film on the topic of their choice.
The films were screened and judged by the audience.
The winner was presented with tickets to the Toronto’s
Film Festival.
We were honoured that Joe &
Lozanne Wamback from CCVF- Canadian Crime Victim
Foundation and bereaved mother Maria Jones supported
BFO-Toronto, by attending our auction. The Wambacks
also presented BFO-Toronto with a gift of $1,000.00.
Thank you so much Joe, Lozanne and Maria.
Janet Wilson, Maria Jones,
Karen Beaulieu, Lozanne and Joe Wamback at
the Big Night Out
Our first Achilles Track St.
Patrick’s Day Event will be held on Sunday,
March 13th.
I would like to give you a little
background information about Achilles Track Club.
Achilles Track Club of Canada is a charitable,
volunteer organization, which provides training
and assistance to all individuals with disabilities
to participate in running. How the Run/Walk works:
Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto puts together
a team of members. Team members collect pledges
on behalf of Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto.
Every dollar pledged comes back to our organization.
Achilles collects an entry fee for each participant.
Each participant is rewarded with an official
race T-shirt, hot Irish Brunch, and in honour
of St. Patrick’s Day, a pint of beer. It
is important for the participants to know that
they are not obligated to walk or run the day
of the event. The idea is to raise pledges for
our organization and create public awareness by
having our name included on the pledge forms,
which are distributed to over 25,000 companies
and corporations throughout the greater Toronto
area. If you would like to participate, please
contact Janet Wilson at: 416-440-0290 ext. 19
before January 10, 2005.
The past couple of months have just flown by!
Big Night Out, our fundraiser/auction, has come
and gone and we are very pleased with the
results. Volunteers worked hard to make it a
successful event and we are very grateful for
all their help. I had the honour of meeting
Joe and Lozanne Wamback, from the Canadian Crime
Victim Foundation (CCVF) and Maria
Jones. CityTV covered the event and this media
attention provided the public with valuable
information about the work that we do at BFO-Toronto.
The Tree of Light ceremony has become
an ongoing annual event for many of our members,
and once more hundreds of doves, carrying the
names of our loved ones, adorned the tree. Again
I’d like to thank all the volunteers
and staff for caringly assembling the tree,
with the doves, and for creating a space of
remembrance. One of our Board members astutely
remarked “You can’t really describe
the evening, you have to experience it”.
There are a couple of changes on the staffing
front. Karen Beaulieu, our Fund Developer, has
accepted a fulltime position with another not
for profit organization. We wish her well and
thank her for all her hard work over
the past two years. Janina Joseph Walker will
be starting her maternity leave in January 2005,
and we are presently interviewing people to
take over her position until she returns.
When you read this, the Holiday Season will
be over for many people and once more, the December
nights will be getting shorter and Spring, a
time of rebirth, is just around the corner.
I wish you all peace in this new year.
Take care everyone.
Bereaved Families of Ontario –Toronto
is looking to hire a part-time Fund Developer. The
Fund Developer is responsible for assisting with
the co-ordination of several special events including
an Auction/Fundraiser – Big Night Out, The
Tree of Light and other events as required. Other
responsibilities will include some of the following
areas: grant writing, bingo, membership and annual
giving.
If you are interested please call
or email
Janet Wilson, at the BFO-Toronto office for more
details, before January 15th, 2004
Monthly
Bereavement Support Nights 2005
7:00pm to 9:00pm
Open to any adult, whether
or not you have been through a BFO-Toronto
group. An informal panel of volunteers who
have experienced the death of an expected
baby, a child, a sibling or a parent will
speak about their experiences. You will have
a chance to ask questions or share, as you
are able. Space is limited, so we ask that
you RSVP by calling the office.
Tuesday, January 18,
2005
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Bereaved Families
of Ontario– Toronto
PRIVACY STATEMENT
Bereaved Families of Ontario
–Toronto (BFO-Toronto) respects your
privacy. We protect your personal information
and adhere to all legal requirements with
respect to protecting your privacy. We do
not rent, sell or trade our mailing lists
or other personal information. We use your
personal information to assist us in providing
you with appropriate services, and to keep
you informed and up-to-date on the activities
of BFO-Toronto, including programs, services,
special events, funding needs, opportunities
to volunteer or to give, and more through
periodic contacts. If at any time you wish
to be removed from any of these contacts,
please contact us by telephone at 416-440-0290
or via e-mail at info@bfotoronto.ca
and we’ll gladly accommodate your request.
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supporters. Our newsletter
is available by mail and email.
We welcome submissions, please forward to
info@bfotoronto.ca.
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
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