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You would think that old friends
and co-workers would be a big help at this very
needful time in your life. Unfortunately this will
only be true for a short time. We possess a notoriously
short attention span. There is also the fact that
most people haven’t a clue what to say to
you. Someone put it this way to me: "So Bill,
are you still feeling sorry for yourself?"
I have no idea what he meant and I did not hit him.
You will be amazed at what people come up with.
Actually, we can assume most of it is well meant.
But two or three months into this
process, your friends will begin to suggest that
maybe it’s time to put away the sack-cloth
and ashes and "get on with your life."
Which is fine except for two things: (1) there is
no moment in which you suddenly decide to “get
on with your life”, and (2) you are already
getting on with you life, no matter what it looks
like to outsiders. Crying is getting on with your
life. Having big problems with sleeping, eating,
thinking, organizing, plumbing, and automobiles
are all part of getting on with your life. The biggest
single help will be people you haven’t met
yet.
Because now that you’ve
experienced the death of a cherished one, you’re
living in a world with two kinds of people –
those that have experienced such a loss and those
that haven’t. Aim for the former group because
on the whole planet, these are the only people who
truly understand. This is the depth of understanding
you need. So you need to find fellow grievers, or
a grief group.
If you are cyber-inclined try
Grief Net or Widow Net among others [or the message
board at www.bfotoronto.ca]. These are people
just like you who email each other. When you can’t
sleep and it’s three a.m. here’s something
to do: pour your heart out, list all your complaints,
and mail them off into the ether. Before you know
it, (because you are already getting on with your
life) you’ll discover that you are giving
advice and comfort to newcomers in your electronic
group.
This is a sign of progress. My
experience is that our losses are so devastating
that we tend to draw into ourselves, to take little
notice of our surroundings or of other people. We
are so wrapped up in this thing that we have nothing
left for others. Over time, this changes. In addition,
the reserves you once had that enabled you to ride
out the rough spots in life begin to replenish themselves.
A cautionary note: Situations may arise at work
that you’ve dealt with handily in the past.
Only now you are nearly bowled over by them. Your
reserves are down, ‘way down. You are a wounded
person, a damaged person. You no longer command
your former strengths, whether mental, emotional,
or physical. Be nice to yourself!!!
Extreme fatigue characterizes
this time in your life. Moreover it is fatigue that
seems to come in the wake of doing nothing. You
may be as tired when you get up as you were when
you laid down. Again it’s a matter of no reserves.
You have devoted all your resources, first to events
leading up to the death, second, to dealing with
the fact of death.
Your loss has started a process
in you. This process will roll on whether or not
you cooperate with it. Best strategy: cooperate.
You can bury it, ignore it, sweep it under the rug
for a time, or get so busy you have no time for
it, but sooner or later you will be doing grief
work.
Grief work is a bittersweet pastime.
Bitter because often you will relive an endless
parade of poignant moments in high definition memories.
Don’t hold back the tears, they are good for
you. I called them my "Diane tears" (the
name of my wife) and it began to seem as if I had
a quota of them to cry, 50,000 maybe, maybe more.
They were friendly, a link to my lost love. Tears
are produced in your Lacrimal Gland, located in
your eyelids. They are produced constantly to keep
the surface of the eye clean and lubricated. Then
there are reflex tears, extra tears which the tear
glands produce when your eyes are irritated. But
the kind we’re talking about are emotional
tears, extra tears produced in response to an emotional
reaction.
The sweet part of this bittersweet
business is that often you will feel closer to your
loved one while you are crying, almost as if you
have established a watery connection of sorts, reaching
through whatever separates you. Grief work is good.
Do it, don’t avoid it. Try not to wallow in
it. Very often...
Reprinted with permission
from BFO-Ottawa. Bill Drake is a writer, bereaved
spouse and volunteer facilitator. He can be reached
at wdrake@infonet.ca.
My son Bruce’s favourite
place in the world was at our family cottage.
Family history is written pencil on the wood-paneled
walls. Bruce and his wife Maria had organized
a cousins’ weekend at the cottage in August
1996, and Maria had written in pencil the names
of everyone attending the weekend onto the cottage
wall.
After Bruce’s tragic death
in an automobile accident in January 2001, Maria
and I began to plan to take his two young daughters
to the cottage in the summer. One day in August,
as we came into the cottage after our swim, we
noticed a beautiful butterfly (white with small
black dots) sitting on the wall in the middle
of the cottage. It was sitting on the wall where
Maria had written the names in the summer of 1996.
It was sitting beside Bruce’s name!!!! I
marvelled at seeing the butterfly sitting so still
inside the cottage. I had been going to that cottage
for nearly 60 summers, and I had never before
seen a butterfly inside the cottage.
Maria said “It’s
a sign!!” She is an excellent photographer,
and didn’t hesitate to quickly get her camera,
borrow a close-up lens that was conveniently sitting
on the chair beneath the butterfly, and take a
photo which we both treasure. The butterfly stayed
on the wall during dinnertime, and throughout
the evening, but was gone when we awoke the next
morning.
Now, three and a half years
later, I think often about that day, and the symbolism
of the butterfly. I wasn’t thinking to look
for “signs” of my son’s nearness,
but Maria was obviously open to the idea. Now
I am aware of “signs”, and I find
comfort in finding a connection to my son at any
time, and in many places. Perhaps it’s a
song on the radio, a movie on the TV, or a reference
to Star Trek in my crossword puzzle, but now,
even though I might get a tear in my eye, I also
often get a smile on my face, when there’s
a “sign” from Bruce.
Our best wishes go to the following volunteers
on these exciting occasions:
Cheryl Young (Young Adult Volunteer)
– now Cheryl Alward, and husband Josh Alward
who married on September 25, 2004.
Sharon Higgins (Bereaved Parent
Volunteer) on the blessed arrival of her grandson
Cooper Bryce Thorne on November 7, 2004.
Liana Lowenstein – former
consultant in the Children’s Program and
her husband Steven Polisuk on
the birth of their daughter Jaime Alana
on December 2, 2004.
Congratulations to Children’s Program Advisor
Sally Schoellkopf and husband
Mike Minchin on the birth of
their daughter, Amelia Thompson Minchin
on Wednesday, December 15, 2004.
You
can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll
come back
or you can open your eyes and see all that she’s
left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t
see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she’s
gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live
on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and
turn your back
or you can do what she’d want: smile, open
your eyse, love and go on.
On Sunday,
March 13th come out and walk or run in honour
of your loved one. This year Bereaved Families
Ontario-Toronto will be entering a team in the
Irish Spring Achilles St. Patrick's Day 5K Run/Walk
and we want you to join us!
Team members collect pledges and every penny our
team raises will be donated to Bereaved Families
Ontario-Toronto. If you’re not able to participate
you can support the BFO-Toronto Team by calling
our office to ‘pledge’ your support.
No donation is too small and we accept Mastercard,
Visa, American Express, or a cheque made out to
BFO-Toronto.
Although it is a 5K marathon
no one is obligated to walk or run the day of
the event. The primary goal is to raise pledges
for the organization and create public awareness
around the services we provide.
So, whether you walk, run or cheer others on,
every team member will be rewarded with a t-shirt,
hot stew, and pint of beer at the end of the race.
So dust off those running shoes and gather your
pledges! For more information on how to participate,
please contact Katrina Lopes at: 416 440-0290
ext.17.
Submitted
by a mother who attended BFO groups with her daughters
and wanted to share this with other BFO families.
Another sleepless night
When I am lost and we are
not together
I’ll wrap my self in silence
Lost and delirious, lonely again
I’ll chase away the light and ask the night
to be my sight
When the moon becomes too old with its dim light,
I’ll go through another sleepless night
When I am tired of my eking fight
I’ll let the rising sun to seize my heart
Founding my heart I shall never leave the house
of light
Till I warm my lost soul round your candle light
When I found what was mine
Then I know the end is just another begun.
Shasha Shaun Shahram Navazesh Dec/ 5 /2004
Abadiania Brazil in inspiration of love
March, April, May…the time
of year when the sun starts to shine a little
brighter and the earth begins to warm and blossom
with life after the sleepy, dark months of winter.
For some bereaved people, the incongruence between
the feelings of sadness and despair we feel on
the inside and the cheerful, hopeful weather outside,
can be almost unbearable. During a particularly
grim period a few years back, I referred to this
time of year as “the tyranny of spring”.
When those waves of grief blindside
us, but all around are signs of new life and joyful
new beginnings – perspective is a blessing.
Turning to poets, songwriters, authors for inspiration
in these moments, is one way that many of us have
learned to cope with the seasonal resurgences
of our grief.
One of my favourite writers,
Barbara Kingsolver (who counts among her own losses
the death of an unborn child) writes in “High
Tide in Tucson: Essays from Now or Never”:
In my own worst seasons I’ve
come back from the colorless world of despair
by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time,
at a single glorious thing: a flame of red geranium
outside my bedroom window. And then another: my
daughter in a yellow dress. And another: the perfect
outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent
moon. Until I learned to be in love with my life
again. Like a stroke victim retraining new parts
of the brain to grasp lost skills, I have taught
myself joy over and over again.
It’s not such a wide gulf
to cross then, from survival to poetry. We hold
fast to the old passions of endurance that buckle
and creak beneath us, dovetailed, tight as a good
wooden boat to carry us onward. And onward full
tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute,
driven in spite of everything to make good on
a new shore. To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility
after another – that is surely the basic
instinct. Baser even than hate, the thing with
teeth, which can be stilled with a tone of voice
or stunned by beauty. If the whole world of the
living has to turn on the single point of remaining
alive, that pointed endurance is the poetry of
hope. The thing with feathers.
What a stroke of luck. What a
singular brute feat of outrageous fortune: to
be born to citizenship in the Animal Kingdom.
We love and we lose, go back to the start and
do it right over again. For every heavy forebrain
solemnly cataloging the facts of a harsh landscape,
there’s a rush of intuition behind it crying
out: High tide! Time to move out into the glorious
debris. Time to take this life for what it is.
As Spring approaches - with all
its reminders of the cycle of life - I wish you
the time and space to explore your own season
of loss in whatever form makes sense to you. Finding
comfort in reading about someone else’s
experience of loss; writing your own story of
remembrance; lighting the Yahrzeit candle on the
last night of Passover; gathering with friends
to acknowledge Spring Equinox; having a mass said
in honour of your loved one; buying an Easter
Lily….
And as always, remember that
we are here for you.
Warmly, Betty Ann Rutledge, Program Manager
BFO-Toronto has an extensive
library of books on grief, loss and healing written
from different perspectives, including “A
Broken Heart Still Beats” a collection of
poetry, fiction and essays edited by Anne McCracken
and Mary Semel from which this Kingsolver excerpt
was taken.
Volunteers at BFO-Toronto are beacons of hope
for the newly bereaved. Being with others who
are traveling a similar journey of grief, but
are a bit further down the road, is comforting
to those who have experienced a death in their
family because it helps to normalize the experience
of grief.
Volunteer peer facilitators (people who are bereaved
themselves) meet with adults for initial one-to-one
meetings prior to entering a group and also co-lead
our mutual support groups. Volunteers, who may
or may not have personal bereavement experience,
can also answer the telephone, assist in the office
and work on our fundraising events. Volunteer
advisors (counsellors, teachers & other healthcare
and educational professionals) co-lead children’s
and adolescent groups and provide support and
supervision to peer facilitators in the adult
programs.
Our comprehensive and professional training program
is offered within a framework of equity and inclusion
and provides volunteers with foundational knowledge
and skills including the basics of grief &
loss, self-awareness and the grief journey and
the principals of mutual support. Grief affects
us all in unique ways and so we are especially
interested in recruiting volunteers that reflect
the diversity of life and cultural experiences
of people from across Toronto, as well as those
who speak languages in addition to English.
Training Dates
Core Training – 4 Sessions
1) Thursday, March 31st 6:00pm-9:00pm
2) Saturday, April 2nd 9:00am-4:00pm
3) Saturday, April 9th 9:00am-4:00pm
4) Wednesday, April 13th 6:00pm-9:00pm
One-to-One Support Training
– 1 Session
Tuesday, April 19th 6:00pm-9:00pm
Mutual Support Group Facilitation and
Advisor Training – 6 Sessions
Tuesdays, April 26th to May 31st
6:00pm - 9:00pm
The Board faces a challenging agenda over the
next several months. However, the addition of
the 5 new directors elected at last June’s
AGM has infused the Board with energy and enthusiasm.
As the lease on our present office space expires
in September, a major change this year will
be the move to a new location that is more compatible
with our programming needs. After much discussion
and consultation the decision has been made
that at this time it is more fiscally responsible
to find another rental space despite the appeal
of owning our own home. If any members have
expertise in leasing or office relocation and
fit-up, the Board would be pleased to hear from
you.
As reported in the Executive Director’s
Report, the Healing Garden to which many members
generously contributed time and money has regrettably
been placed on hold by the Board. The contract
proposed by the City of Toronto would have required
BFO-T to take on more responsibility and liability
for the site than the organization could reasonably
undertake. In the future, the Board plans to
revisit the feasibility of a garden in the context
of a more permanent location for BFO-Toronto.
The expiry of our 3-year Trillium grant last
fall has created a shortfall for core programming.
There is a budget surplus from previous years,
but in order to balance the budget this year
a board priority is attracting new sources of
core funding. Again the Board would be delighted
to hear from anyone who has corporate connections
or ideas to contribute in this area.
Following up on the Board’s organizational
priorities established last year, the Board
is drafting a Strategic Plan. The priorities
are: building volunteer capacity, developing
and strengthening community connections, enhancing
our program and service mandate, governance
renewal, sustainable funding, increasing public
awareness. To that end we are actively recruiting
new Board members who may have expertise in
any of these prioritized areas. The goal is
to have a Board composed of directors with expertise
- some of whom have experienced personal bereavement.
A 15 yr old girl’s experience
with grief after her father is killed in a hold-up
“Adam Wexler was shot in the chest and killed
Tuesday evening during a robbery in his 7-Eleven
store on Virginia Avenue, Atlantic City. The unknown
assailant or assailants escaped with fifty dollars
in cash. Mr. Wexler, a 1964 graduate of Atlantic
City High School, is survived by his wife, Gwendolyn;
a daughter, Davis, 15; and a son, Jason, 7.”
– pg.6
I don’t know how old I was when I first read
Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume but it had a profound impact
on me. I was a Judy Blume junkie back then devouring
every one of her books I could get my hands on.
Reading her books enabled me to transport myself
into different worlds and discover how other girls
might be dealing with the struggles of tween/teen
life. Tiger Eyes in particular introduced me to
a complete experience of grief in a novel as the
author describes the interweaving and sometimes
contradictory emotions the main character goes through
as she struggles to cope with the death of her father.
The book opens with the day of the funeral. The
main character Davey, stumbles through the next
few days in a fog and then confines herself to her
bed where she stays for days on end. Even eating
and showering become monumental tasks. She can’t
concentrate in school and she becomes more and more
withdrawn as the days pass. Her friends just don’t
or can’t understand what she is going through.
Davey herself is having a hard time understanding
and expressing the rage and sadness inside her.
Davey’s mother decides to relocate the family
temporarily to New Mexico to live with relatives
while they deal with this trauma. The story unfolds
as Davey learns to release some of her feelings
while mountain biking and hiking through Los Alamos
Canyon. During these personal journeys of escape
she meets Wolf, the only person who seems to ‘get’
what Davey is going through. As time passes and
they share their stories, Davey slowly learns how
to move forward and enjoy life again.
From beginning to end, Tiger Eyes is about the
phases of grief this 15 yr old goes through and
how she discovers herself through the process.
I definitely recommend this book for tweens and
teens and anyone who is seeking a perspective on
how youth experience loss. You can find this book
at your local bookstore or borrow a copy from BFO-Toronto
library.
KATRINA LOPES
Communications and Special Events Coordinator
HELLO
FROM OUR NEW SPECIAL EVENTS COORDINATOR, KATRINA
LOPES
I would like to take this
opportunity to introduce myself as the newest
staff member of BFO-Toronto. I have traveled
a number of roads on my way here, beginning
with a career in international development
and ending up in the music industry. Perhaps
an odd combination, but it is a path that
has allowed me to create a fusion of my greatest
passions … music and social issues.
I have therefore been coordinating
special events over the last few years utilizing
the music industry to bring awareness to a
number of issues. Some of those events included
‘The Peace Concert’ in opposition
to the war on Iraq, ‘Rush the Vote’
to encourage young Canadians to get out to
the polls, ‘The Panty Schmooze’
a fundraising event and clothing drive for
Women’s Habitat, a shelter for abused
women and a number of events for War Child
Canada, a charity that supports war affected
children.
It is now my pleasure to
be coordinating special events for the BFO-Toronto!
A number of years ago I lost my mother to
breast cancer. Living in my hometown of Halifax,
Nova Scotia there was not a BFO-Toronto or
similar organization to support me through
that experience, though I often wished there
was. I am happy to see the services BFO-Toronto
provides families during their time of grief
and am excited to be the newest member of
the BFO-Toronto team. I look forward to meeting
each of you through the many special events
BFO-Toronto coordinates throughout the year.
If you have any ideas about
new events you would like to see or have recommendations
regarding our current annual events feel free
to call me anytime to chat. I would LOVE to
hear your ideas and welcome all the feedback
and suggestions you can muster. I can be reached
at 416 440-0290 ext.17 or via e-mail at klopes@bfotoronto.ca
KATRINA LOPES
Communications and Special Events Coordinator
First of all I’d like
to introduce and welcome a new staff member who
brings her experiences, skills and heart to BFO-Toronto.
Katrina Lopes is our new Special Events and Communications
Coordinator, replacing Karen Beaulieu. She brings
strong public relations skills and has organized
many events, including concerts, award dinners
and high school based initiatives. We are delighted
that she is with us and know she will bring new
ideas and energy to this position. A long-serving
volunteer, Kathleen McDermott has regrettably
resigned from her position as Front Desk Volunteer
or “Girl Thursday”, as she used to
refer to herself. We are so sorry to see her go
after 16 years of service, and we will definitely
miss her.
For the past 26 years BFO-Toronto
has raised over 80% of the revenue required to
provide the programs that many of you have found
so beneficial, through fundraising ventures such
as special events, membership drives etc. In the
fall of 2004 we had a meeting of members, volunteers
and staff to look critically at our Walk to Remember
– does it meet our members’ needs
in terms of a supportive community event and does
it meet BFO-Toronto’s fundraising needs?
Some members spoke about the difficulty and tension
of holding an event that was both a fundraiser
and also a time to remember our loved ones who
have died. The group’s decision was that
there would be no Walk to Remember this year.
We are, however, hoping to generate revenue by
joining an existing Walk/Run, Irish Spring - Achilles
Annual St. Patrick’s Day 5 K Run/Walk. (see
page 4)
This 5 K Run/Walk is organized
by a not for profit organization called Achilles
Track Club, who provide training and assistance
to all individuals with disabilities to participate
in running. BFO-Toronto is forming a team of dedicated
and energetic members. If you are able to contribute
your support by pledging the BFO-Team we would
be delighted! Apart from Big Night Out this is
the only other fundraising event we will hold
this year, so any support would be greatly appreciated.
The BFO-Toronto Board of Directors
has made a decision to put the plans for a Healing
Garden on hold. We realize that many of you will
be disappointed as the Garden Committee has devoted
many years to this project. However, the healing
Garden no longer fits with our current Strategic
Directions. As such our present time and money,
which is always in short supply, will be concentrated
on accomplishing these directions (see Communiqué
from the Board of Directors). We will be contacting
all who have donated to the Garden Fund, and should
you wish to have your donation returned to you,
we will most certainly respect your wishes.
As many of you know we are moving
premises in September of this year and a new location
has not been decided upon. It would be wonderful
to have a garden attached to our new premises
– lets hope!
Open to any adult, whether or
not you have been through a BFO-Toronto group.
An informal panel of volunteers who have experienced
the death of an expected baby, a child, a sibling
or a parent will speak about their experiences.
You will have a chance to ask questions or share,
as you are able. Space is limited, so we ask that
you RSVP by calling the office.
Wednesday, April 13
Wednesday, May 18
Wednesday, June 15
Mutual support in a safe
and supportive environment, accessible any time
you're having a tough time....
Bereaved Families
of Ontario– Toronto
PRIVACY STATEMENT
Bereaved Families of Ontario
–Toronto (BFO-Toronto) respects your
privacy. We protect your personal information
and adhere to all legal requirements with
respect to protecting your privacy. We do
not rent, sell or trade our mailing lists
or other personal information. We use your
personal information to assist us in providing
you with appropriate services, and to keep
you informed and up-to-date on the activities
of BFO-Toronto, including programs, services,
special events, funding needs, opportunities
to volunteer or to give, and more through
periodic contacts. If at any time you wish
to be removed from any of these contacts,
please contact us by telephone at 416-440-0290
or via e-mail at info@bfotoronto.ca
and we’ll gladly accommodate your request.
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supporters. Our newsletter
is available by mail and email.
We welcome submissions, please forward to
info@bfotoronto.ca.
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
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