Feeling My Way Through Grief

by Betty Ann Rutledge, Program Manager

“Grief is not, as I thought, a state, but a process.  Like a walk in a winding valley which gives you a new landscape every few miles.”
- C.S. Lewis

I learned a long time ago that there is no way around grief. Can’t climb over it, can’t crawl under it and, as clever as I’ve tried to be, no way to sneak around it. The only way through grief is through it. For the newly bereaved (and for anyone who is in a “hit of grief” at any point on their journey), traveling this road is painful, confusing and downright terrifying in moments. So as we learn to find our way through this new landscape of grief, it’s helpful to have a few definitions to guide us:

Bereavement:  the state of having suffered a loss: physical or symbolic*; state of sorrow over the death or departure of a loved one

Grief: deep mental anguish arising from bereavement; intense sorrow caused by the loss of a loved one; the process that allows us to say good-bye to what was and get ready for that which is yet to come*

Mourning: the actions or expressions of one who has suffered a bereavement; conventional outward signs of grief for the dead; public, shared expression of a person’s thoughts, behaviours and emotions related to a loss*

While we know that grief affects us at all levels of our being – physical, emotional, mental/attitudinal, spiritual, social/sexual – for many, the first thing we think of when it comes to grief is feelings. Most definitions of grief and bereavement make some reference to emotions – and for a lot of us, here’s where the terrain becomes the most treacherous to navigate.

These, and many other expressions of deep, emotional pain are commonly heard amongst bereaved people. It’s no wonder then that we might be tempted to avoid feeling our feelings altogether – it sounds pretty overwhelming! But if we are truly going to find a way to “live with our grief”, experiencing the myriad emotions and feelings that spring from our losses is one of the essential tasks of mourning.

A wise person** once described it to me like this: Think of your emotions as bubbles in a glass of soda or champagne (the beverage being your emotional body).  As you experience a feeling – sad, mad, scared, happy, love, desire – that feeling floats up through your emotional body and when it reaches the “surface”, like a bubble at the top of a glass of soda, it POPS and evaporates into the air.

However, if you “put a lid” on your “bubbles”, actively trying to block them from traveling up their path through your emotional body, not only will you experience a build-up of “negative” emotions (and that in turn will impact you physically, mentally etc.) – but you will also block yourself from experiencing the more “welcome” emotions of joy and peace and love from bubbling up in you.

Put another way: avoiding your feelings can lead to emotional indigestion.  And just like having a good burp can ease your physical discomfort, letting yourself have a good emotional release will lead to a softening of your emotional body as well. This is not an easy process – it can be terrifying to experience our feelings. Many of us, for all kinds of good reasons, have not been able to.  We’ve received messages our whole lives about “appropriate” behaviour related to feelings.  Some of those messages are gender-based like “big boys don’t cry”, some we absorb from our families, others are influenced by our faith, culture, personality and life experiences.

A British-born friend describes his family as the “suck it up” type of grievers – which essentially left him no room or permission to express his feelings.  Another friend who comes from the West Indies told me that Black women often feel they must “be strong” for their family (especially their children), that they cannot allow themselves to feel or show any kind of “weakness” (i.e. crying) – they can’t afford to, as they are responsible for so much in their lives and communities. What messages have you absorbed about feelings?

Even the language of feelings discourages us with its negativity and judgment.  People who express emotions openly are described as “falling apart” or “losing it”.  And how many times do we hear someone say “I’m sorry” while they are crying.  What’s to be sorry for!  Feelings aren’t good or bad – they just ARE.

We all have our histories and stories that have informed how we think, feel and behave in response to grief. Stories and histories that loom large when we are faced with the daunting task of mourning: “to experience the pain of grief”.

So what can we do?  A dear friend once counseled me to “lean into” my pain.  In those deepest, darkest moments of grief, to really let myself feel the sorrow and pay attention to what happens. Listen to the sounds my body makes, notice the words that come to mind, and try to remember that this is just another bubble that will eventually move through me and pop.  If you’re afraid to cry because you don’t think you’ll be able to stop, think about this:  Have you ever heard of anyone laughing so much they couldn’t stop or being joyful indefinitely?  Try to think of sadness as just another feeling, another bubble, remember to breathe and trust that the moment of intense pain will ease.

Leaning into the pain has also been described as “being in the pit” (think of peaks and valleys – experiencing the painful emotions of grief can be a very deep valley). If you’re new at this, venturing into the pit unaccompanied may not be such a good idea. A trusted friend or family member who can sit with you, a fellow bereaved traveler, or a counselor may be enlisted to provide comfort and safety.

I believe that my loved ones who have died want me to live as full as life as I possibly can. And for me, living fully requires me to stand bravely and honestly in the fullness of my humanity: tears, fears and anger as well as joy, love and peace.  And when standing is impossible, and I am brought to my knees in despair, I try and remember the following:

“I bow in reverence before the emotions of every melted heart. We have a human right to our sorrow. To blame the deep grief which bereavement awakens is to censure all strong human attachments. The more intense the delight in their presence, the more poignant the impression of their absence; and you cannot destroy the anguish unless you forbid the joy. A morality which rebukes sorrow rebukes love. When the tears of bereavement have had their natural flow, they lead us again to life and love's generous joy.” --James Martineau

*With thanks and appreciation to friend and mentor Yvette Perreault of the AIDS Bereavement Project of Ontario (www.abpo.org) and
**Derek Scott (www.yourtherapist.org) whose words, definitions and bubble metaphors have been of enormous benefit in my personal and professional journey through grief.

BFO - Toronto News

Spring is almost here. I thought I saw the tip of a snowdrop in my garden this morning, but maybe it was just wishful thinking. With the spring comes our annual volunteer training. Betty Ann is busy interviewing potential volunteers who would like to join our organization. Last year we had 50 participants in the training and we realized that there were just too many people to make it work well for everyone. This year we have had over 80 people wanting to attend, but we have decided to limit the numbers to 35. We really do need two trainings per year, but that will have to wait until we have moved and settled into new premises.

Katrina, our Communications and Special Events Coordinator is still working on the new youth website – www.soul2soul.ca. She is developing tool kits, inserting more stories from bereaved youth and we now have E-cards, which can be sent to a special bereaved friend or family member. The Toronto and District Funeral Directors Incorporated who had initially donated $15,000 towards the Healing Garden, have now re-donated this money to be used for this website. Already funeral directors, individuals and other organizations all over Canada, and some in the USA, are accessing it or using it as a resource for bereaved youth. Katrina is also working with MacClaren, McCann to create a new Big Night Out, bringing a fresh look to this event.

Janina, our Black Community Outreach Worker has been working with several organizations. She and a mother, Marilyn, whose son Ruddin was murdered in 1997, are conducting grief workshops with detainees in the 311 Detention Centre. Toronto Community Housing Corporation has asked for support for their staff, who are grieving the murder of two young men, who had participated in programs held at the housing complex.

Duane, our Youth Outreach Worker, is presently developing a program in conjunction with Central Neighbourhood House, in the St. Jamestown area. This pilot program will provide support to bereaved youth in the area using drumming and the spoken word for youth to express their feelings and thoughts. We hope to use this model in other underserved communities in Toronto

Vic and Agnes will be facilitating a workshop with the Public Health Nurses who are the first responders when a crisis happens in a community. The in-school programs are continuing and by May we will have completed six in-school bereavement support programs.

Please don’t forget to support BFO-Toronto in the Irish Spring - Achilles Annual St. Patrick’s Day 5 K Run/Walk on March 12th. Call Gloria Baldwin, our new Fund Developer if you have questions, other fundraising ideas or connections to corporations who may be willing to donate to BFO-Toronto.

Take care everyone,
Janet Wilson, Executive Director