“Motherless Daughters”

by Hope Edelman

New York Times Bestseller

“Ask any woman whose mother has died and she will tell you that she is irrevocably altered, as profoundly changed by her mother’s death as she was by her mother’s life.”

This book is very special to me and has become my grief ‘manual’. When my mother died of breast cancer 10 years ago I read a few books on grief but this book was by far the one that most embodied my experience.

Based on hundreds of interviews with women of all ages who lost their mothers as well as the author’s own experience with the death of her mother, this book reveals every angle of the motherless daughter’s journey.

The book is broken into three parts: loss, change, and growth. In Part 1 Edelman explores the stages of grief and the impact mother loss has on a daughter. This is the part of the book I refer to most because it discusses the various developmental stages of a woman’s life and how mother loss impacts each of those stages in different ways.

What I have discovered as I pass through these developmental stages in life is that I bump into moments of disorientation. At times I find a subtle yet inexplicable yearning for something I cannot pinpoint, and the compulsion to search for something I cannot name. I have come to refer to these moments as my flailing umbilical cord. Moments where life has propelled my subconscious to call out for my mother, but hearing no response, leaves me feeling lost and out of place. As I experience these moments I now refer to this book (Part 1 specifically) where I find insight into what various life stages drive us to seek, and how being a motherless daughter impacts our transition through each stage.

In Part 2 Edelman examines the relationships that surround a mother/daughter relationship (daughter/father, stepmothers, siblings, intimate relationships, and relationships with other ‘mother’ figures) and how these relationships are impacted after the death of a mother. I have found this section very helpful in guiding me through my intimate relationships. Whether I’m running as fast as I can from connection or maintaining a firm grip on a relationship I don’t want to let go of, this section addresses the various ways loss can impact the way we interact with our intimate partners.

Part 3 looks at how daughters consistently grow to understand themselves and their grief as an ongoing journey. The author touches on coping strategies and shares stories of how other women have created their independent identities after losing their mother.

I cannot write enough good things about this book! For anyone who has experienced mother loss this book will not only be helpful during the initial stages of grief but throughout the various stages of life. “Motherless Daughters” is also available in audio format and the follow up book “Letters from Motherless Daughters” also by Hope Edelman is on bookshelves.

Katrina Lopes
Communications & Special Events Coordinator

New Addition to the Children’s Library Collection

Milly, Molly and Jimmy’s Seeds (Gill Pittar, illustrated by Cris Morrell) © 2003 Milly Molly Books

An unexpected surprise helps Milly and Molly cope with the loss of friend. This Milly Molly book has been written to promote the acceptance of diversity and coping with loss. Suitable for ages 4-8.

“The underlying morals inherent within the texts are important for children of the twenty-first century to take as their own…the language used to carry the stories is lively and exciting for young reader…the language and style is simply good literature…suitable as teaching texts in social studies or health programs anywhere in the world where difference is an integral component of a community”

Professor Dr. Sigrid Markmann: Dean of the Faculty of Literature and Linguistics – University of Osnabruck, Germany

Library books may be borrowed from the BFO-Toronto Library at no charge for up to two weeks at a time. We ask that you please check to see if you have any overdue books and return them as soon as possible for the used of other members.

Achilles Walk Raises Over $4,000 for BFO-Toronto

A HUGE thank you to Cameron Britt, Azure Campbell, Elaine Gort, Cathy Johnson, Katrina Lopes, Ansley Swartz, and Janet Wilson for joining Team BFO-Toronto to participate in the St. Patrick’s Day Achilles 5K Run/Walk. Our team raised just over $4,000 with Elaine Gort leading the way in pledges. Congratulations Elaine!

Another HUGE thank you to all those who made a donation to BFO-Toronto in support of our team members and in memory of lost loved ones. Your contributions are appreciated and your donations allow BFO to continue to provide our community with free bereavement support services.

by Ken Falk

I heard quite often "men don’t cry"
though no one ever told me why.
So when I fell and skinned a knee,
no one came by to comfort me.
And when some bully-boy at school
would pull a prank so mean and cruel,
I’d quickly learn to turn and quip,
"It doesn’t hurt," and bite my lip.
So as I grew to reasoned years,
I learned to stifle any tears.
Though "Be a big boy" it began,
quite soon I learned to "Be a man."
And I could play that stoic role
while storm and tempest wracked my soul.
No pain or setback could there be
could wrest one single tear from me.
Then one long night I stood nearby
and helplessly watched my son die.
And quickly found, to my surprise,
that all that tearless talk was lies.
And still I cry, and have no shame.
I cannot play that "big boy" game.
And openly, without remorse,
I let my sorrow takes its course.
So those of you who can’t abide
a man you’ve seen who’s often cried,
reach out to him with all your heart
as one whose life’s been torn apart.
For men DO cry when they can see
their loss of immortality.
And tears will come in endless streams
when mindless fate destroys their
dreams.

from www.mend.org

“It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.”
Anne Sexton

I'm reminded with the change of the seasons how easy it is for the bereaved to be caught off guard by emotional triggers. What exactly are emotional triggers and why is it important both to be aware of them and to give some thought as to how to deal with them? An emotional trigger is anything that takes you back directly to your wound, to the pain inside. Not that the pain is ever far from consciousness to begin with, but emotional triggers act swiftly and often with surprise to pierce like a knife into the heart of your wound. With the beginning of a new season, smells, sights and sounds all change and these can easily hit you between the eyes and stop you in your tracks!
General emotional triggers are more easily identified and include days like Mother's and Father's Day, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays, to name a few. In many ways you are more able to prepare yourself because you know that this will be a day when it will be virtually impossible to go on like nothing is happening. Specific emotional triggers are more difficult because what is a trigger to one person will hold perhaps no specific meaning for another. Perhaps it is a specific flavour; the smell of your mom’s perfume in the air; the sound of an outdoor playground; catching a snippet of your dad’s favourite jazz tune. It is important to know what specifically triggers you so that your reaction will make sense to you and will help you know that this is an emotional trigger and you haven't regressed or gone crazy.
Analogies once again can be helpful. Friends may look at a field and see an open expanse of land that they would not hesitate to walk across. To the bereaved that same field is a "minefield" because when you begin to walk across it there are constant triggers or reminders of the person who has died. Such is what walking into the future is like for the bereaved!
Friends who say, "Come on -- it's just a field!" don't see it or experience it as you do -- and they can't. Knowing what specifically triggers you is very important in your grieving because it can help you chart a safer course through the minefield of grief. Take a few minutes to reflect and jot down from your world what are emotional triggers for you. Keep the list updated.
You are on a journey, and certain times of the year can be more difficult than others.
During the months of May and June, when the local card stores and malls are full of reminders of your beloveds who have died - especially the displays for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and graduation - remember that you are not alone. Reach out to a friend you met in your support group, make plans to get together with another family member who will be there for you, call BFO-Toronto, go onto the website message board, come in and light the memorial candle or think about attending one of the Monthly Bereavement Support Nights.

updated from an article previously written by David Wright, former consultant to BFO

BFO -Toronto News