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The stripped and shapely
Maple grieves
The ghosts of her
Departed leaves.
The ground is hard,
As hard as stone.
The year is old,
The birds are flown.
And yet the world,
In its distress,
Displays a certain
Loveliness---
- John Updike, A Child's Calendar
I sometimes wonder why I do not
embrace change. When I find myself in difficult
situations, the idea of change, even in a positive
direction, can seem more intimidating then just
struggling on. The profound change in my life
that came with the death of my father, took a
number of years to accept and I am still learning
how to live with that change. For when my father
died, the road to come was the scariest path I
would ever take.
Even the change of seasons is
hard to accept. Leaving spring behind for terribly
hot and smoggy days is one transition that I never
look forward to. But summer continues on with
or without my consent, and by October, I am ready
to embrace the smoldering days and the hot, sticky
nights of August.
Night comes more quickly these
days. And as the sun sets, I think of the cold
days to come. Autumn can be a difficult time for
many of us who struggle with the death of a loved
one. As sunny summer days become memories, we
watch as the earth prepares herself for the winter
months ahead. Leaves falling from trees have always
held such poignant significance for me. How could
I see a street littered with leaves and not think
of death? Having watched those same leaves strong
and green just weeks before, as they now lay withered
and brown at my feet, my mind wanders.
And of course with the fall,
comes the laughter of children racing down the
street with new shoes and a new backpack all ready
for the first day of school. As parents prepare
to send their sons and daughters off to face the
excitement of the first day of nursery school,
high school or university, families that we work
with are often overcome with the fresh wave of
memories and grief that Labor Day weekend can
bring. One parent I spoke with talked about the
struggle of being a bereaved parent amongst friends
who are excitedly sending their kids off to college.
“I don’t want my friends to be afraid
to talk with me…I want to share their joy.
I just want them to understand that my happiness
for them, at seeing their children reach these
new milestones, will always be tinged by my own
sorrow that I will never see my daughter reach
hers”.
How do we go on when faced with
the tragedy of an ‘out of time’ death?
Where do we find the strength to get up and face
yet another day? These are questions that I am
left with every time I hear one of your stories.
The resiliency and courage of everyone who comes
through our doors is nothing short of inspirational.
The changing of seasons holds
different meanings for us all. But memories of
loved ones, come to us throughout the year, no
matter what the date and we all struggle with
how to live with the ‘new normal’
of our lives. For me, I try to find meaning and
purpose in my life. I try to approach everyday
by remembering life and by not focussing on death.
And while death continues to inform much of who
I am as a person, I continue to learn how to not
let it define me.
“Just when I was getting
used to yesterday, along came today.”
Author Unknown
My journey at Bereaved Families of Ontario began
12 years ago at the age of 11. I suddenly and
tragically lost both my parents in a car fatality.
I remember being in the group and not being able
to relate to any of the other children in the
group because no other child had experienced the
type of loss that I had experienced. The people
who made the difference in my group were the facilitators.
I will never forget them and will always appreciate
the support that they had given to me.
As the newest staff member of BFO-Toronto my
intention and goal is to make change by widening
the scope of the organization to help encourage
those from visible minority groups to feel welcome
at BFO-Toronto. Many communities are in dire need
of help and assistance during their time of bereavement
and I hope to assist BFO-Toronto in their efforts
to link and provide a space where those unreachable
communities feel welcome here.
I am looking forward to meeting all of you and
working with you in the future.
A Warm Hello from our new Fund Developer, Karen
Beaulieu
I would like to take this opportunity
to introduce myself to you. I have been a professional
Fund Developer for the past two years, most recently
working with Independent Living Residences for the
Deafblind in Ontario in Richmond Hill. The Fund
Development Industry is my passion and I am pleased
to have been given the opportunity to work with
a wonderful non-profit organization such as Bereaved
Families of Ontario-Toronto.
My first few weeks here have been
both enlightening and highly energizing! As I continue
to learn more about the remarkable programs we provide,
I have also had the opportunity to meet some of
our fantastic volunteers, all of whom I look forward
to working with on many important and exciting fund
development activities.
As I look ahead towards working
on our current fundraising events, my intent is
to also introduce some new Fundraising Initiatives
that will only help to build upon the firm foundation
of Fund Development activity that has been one of
the hallmarks of this organization.
In closing, may I say that in order
to successfully continue completing our important
fundraising initiatives we will, more than ever,
require dedicated, goal-oriented, individuals who
wish to share some of their time and knowledge.
If you are interested in becoming part of our Fundraising
Committee team and enjoy working on projects, I
would be delighted to speak with you at your earliest
convenience.
You may reach me at (416) 440-0290
ext. 17 or e-mail me at: kbeaulieu@bfotoronto.ca
Kindest regards and thanks,
BIG NIGHT OUT
Join us for our 16th Annual Big Night Out.
This year’s event is being held
at the spectacular “CARLU”
on Thursday, November 13th, 2003.
444 Yonge Street (corner of College and
Yonge Streets).
The Carlu with it’s extraordinary
wealth of historical and architectural significance
embodies the collective memory of style
and elegance that once graced Toronto. It
offers Toronto the opportunity to once again
experience its historical heritage, as it
was perceived through these uniquely integrated
elements of sophistication.
This year we’ve added a 1930’s
theme which will complement the world-class
style and design of the Carlu. We are expecting
over 600 people to join us for silent and
live auction with party foods from a variety
of expert caterers.
TICKETS ARE $55.00 EACH
For more information please call: (416)
440-0290
Karen Tsao, Board Member and Values Committee
Chair
Since our Community Building
Day in February of 2003, a group of
volunteers, board members, staff and
service-users have been meeting to
formalize and articulate our values.
As you read through this document,
our hope is that these values will
be familiar to you and that your response
will be, “Yes, this is what
I have experienced at BFO-Toronto!”.
We would like to know your thoughts
as you read through them, and you
can email your comments to info@bfotoronto.ca
or call Janet Wilson, our Executive
Director at 416-440-0290 ext. 19.
We
are a community of people that value:
Compassion
We believe that caring, empathy,
openness and acceptance are the cornerstones
to compassion. Relating to one another
authentically, through our shared
experiences of grief and loss, will
help to create the sense of belonging
and support that we want to foster
in our community.
Understanding
As bereaved people, we share a wisdom
that comes from travelling our own
unique grief journeys. We are open
to ongoing learning, growth and change.
We are committed to sharing our knowledge
with one another, respecting that
while there are common threads that
weave themselves among the bereaved,
every person learns to live with grief
in their own way.
Diversity
We celebrate and embrace the richness
of unique and diverse life experiences.
We value the principles of access
and equity and will actively seek
to create an environment where people
are treated fairly and justly. We
will challenge the individual and
systemic discrimination and oppression
of people who are marginalized by
race, culture, colour, place of origin,
ethnic origin, ancestry, faith, religious
affiliation, sex, gender, sexual orientation,
age, marital status, family relationship,
political affiliation, language, citizenship,
immigration status, economic status
and ability.
Peer Support
We believe that no one can understand
the bereaved like another bereaved
person. We provide mirrors of hope
for one another in a safe, supportive
and nurturing environment. We value
the partnership and support of professionals
in our work, as we continue to believe
in the effectiveness of the self-help/mutual
support model.
Integrity
We are responsible for the quality
of our programs and for the best interests
of the organization. Honesty and transparency
are essential in creating a safe and
reliable space in which to grieve.
We strive to earn the trust of our
members and affirm peoples' right
to self-determination in making the
best decisions for dealing with the
death of their loved one.
Relationships
Our commitment is to building and
sustaining meaningful and mutually
beneficial connections with members,
volunteers, donors and community partners.
We are vitally interested in, and
will be responsive and flexible to,
the needs of the bereaved community.
As we continue to honour the legacy
of our loved ones who have died, so
too will we honour our connections
with each other.
The United Way Campaign
allows employees to make donations to their
charity of choice. We hope some of you will
designate BFO-Toronto as your charity of
choice.
How
dare you,
Life,
Take my son away,
To let this happen
Yet keep me here
To see another day.
How
dare you,
Life,
With your surly frown,
Tip my life
So upside down.
How dare you,
Life,
With your iron fist,
Remove from me
What will most be missed.
How dare you,
Life,
Kill me inside
Yet leave me here
With no place to hide.
How dare you,
Life,
Kill my Tom
Whilst I’m still grieving
For his brother John.
By
Laura Jones.Mother to Angels John Huntley
(Born 21.01.00 Died 21.01.00) & Tom Huntley
(Born 30.05.01 Died 14.07.01)
I
wrote this poem very soon after Tom died,
feeling anger and rage at everything and everyone.
Writing helps me to release feelings from
my system without running the risk of offending
anyone!
Thank
you very much. This is so very important to
me as I am sure you can appreciate.
Laura is now writing a compiling a book
for bereaved parents. It is to be a collection
of memories and experiences from her and many
other bereaved parents. Laura is still looking
for submissions in the form of poetry, writing
about the various grief stages, memories,
stories about the day a child/children died,
eulogies etc. Her email address is: laurajones17@hotmail.com
With Speaker: Dr. Alan Wolfelt
a noted author, educator and grief counselor Sunday, November 2, 2003 1:30pm -
4:00pm
Toronto Congress Center
650 Dixon Road (Just east of Hwy.27)
Etobicoke, Ontario
Seating arrangements are limited to 500 people.
Please register early by phoning: (416) 767-6793
There is no charge to attend this event.
The slower pace of Summer
provided an opportunity to recoup energies
and resources and get ready for the Fall.
September is now here and our programs are
in place; the Big Night Out event planning
is well under way; connections are being made
with schools and we are about to embark on
a strategic planning process.
Over the past couple of months
we have continued to discuss our organizational
values and have agreed upon the following
- compassion, understanding, peer support,
integrity, diversity and relationship (see
page 4). We are now in the final stages of
this process and your feedback would be greatly
appreciated.
One more staff person has
been hired. We are very pleased to have Janina
Joseph-Walker as our new Intake/Administrative
Assistant. Janina is enthusiastic not only
to provide administrative support, but to
also assist with our programs by covering
the front desk when a volunteer is unavailable,
helping to set up one-to-one meetings, organize
groups and be present to welcome new members
as they arrive for their first group.
Within the next few weeks
many of you will be receiving applications
to renew your
membership with BFO-Toronto. With the new
by-law, which was approved in 2002, two types
of membership were recognized. For Associate
Members, membership is free and it entitles
a member to the use of BFO-Toronto library
facilities, to receive our bi-monthly member
support newsletter and to receive information
on up-coming events such as the Tree of Light.
For Voting Members, the membership fee is
$25 per individual or $35 per family and in
addition to the aforementioned, entitles each
member to one vote on BFO-Toronto related
matters, at General Meetings. The membership
period is from October 1, 2003 to September
30, 2004. For anyone wanting to become a Voting
Member, please contact me, either by phone
or email (jwilson@bfotoronto.ca ) and I’ll
make sure you receive an application form.
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supporters. Our newsletter
is available by mail and email.
We welcome submissions, please forward to
info@bfotoronto.ca.
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
for publication
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