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A few months ago, my 25-year-old
son died while traveling and working in Africa.
Like many who go there, he contracted malaria.
Unlike others, he had the bad luck of contracting
a virulent strain that kills quickly, with no
notice of impending doom. It was a tragedy that
dropped from the sky and flipped my contented
world inside out.
As I drag myself through what
experts call “the grieving process”
– and what I call “long-term horror”–
I’ve become a clumsy, social greenhorn,
clueless and awkward in my encounters with the
people around me.
I’ve passed into a world
where everyday greetings have disappeared. “How
are you?” is now delivered with a strong
emphasis on the “are” and a searching
look into my eyes. As an expression of caring,
I am quite comfortable with this approach. The
problem rests squarely in my response.
The knee-jerk answer, “Fine”, seems
completely inappropriate. First of all, it’s
a blatant lie. I am so far from “Fine”
there’s no inkling of it on the horizon.
Even the few times I have said “Fine”,
figuring the other person really didn’t
want to know, I walked away feeling like some
robot mother with a heart of steel. More importantly,
I can see in their eyes a genuine wondering about
my situation. I owe them more than “Fine”.
The grief-ridden clichés
don’t measure up either: “Oh, hangin’
in.” “Well, you know, it’s tough.”
“Just takin’ it on day at a time.”
What the hell do these phrases mean? I could be
going about my business on large doses of Prozac
(“Oh, hangin’ in”), screaming
at the walls between catatonic episodes (“Well,
you know, it’s tough”), or trancing
out at the TV from morning to night (“Just
takin’ it on day at a time.”).
My strategy has been to come
up with something simple and honest – if
they have the guts to ask, I should have the guts
to tell the truth.
During the first weeks after he died, when everything
was still surreal and I was reeling from the rafters,
I answered with one simple word: “Vertical”.
I could honestly say I was proud to be standing.
When that started ringing false,
I tried: “It’s a roller coaster, but
I’m still in my seat”, but that was
too cute for a decidedly uncute situation. Then
there was “I haven’t cried in a week,
so that’s some progress”, and “I
seem OK. But what do I know?” and “I’ve
started writing and that helps.”
I made the mistake one week
of using: “I think I’m alright, but
I still feel unstable.” People seemed pleased
with this response; they were comforted that I
was coping, while assured that such events can
rock a person to the core. However, a few days
later, I began falling flat on my face –
once in the middle of a busy intersection, another
time walking across a marble-floored lobby. Both
times, my legs just buckled, mid-step, and I dove
to the ground. Unstable? In more ways than I knew.
Other people I meet feel it’s
best to act as if everything is normal. This is
perfectly fine with me, but their commitment to
normalcy never lasts. At some point, their expression
takes on a decidedly guilty look and I know they’re
looking for an opening to “express condolences”.
If I can, I help them: “It’s been
a tough couple of months”. If I don’t
notice their search for a segue, their concern
blurts out, anywhere, possibly at the point where
they might burst from holding it in. Again, my
response seems feeble: “Thanks.”
Meeting people who have not
heard the news is another stumper. At the very
beginning, I bumped into a work colleague at the
supermarket, whom I hadn’t seen in a few
months. When he innocently asked, “How’re
things going?” I replied honestly, without
thinking: “Not so well. My son just died.”
The poor guy froze next to the vegetables, white-knuckled
his shopping cart and desperately searched for
the appropriate response. I learned my lesson:
with acquaintances who don’t know, engage
in chit-chat as if nothing extraordinary has happened.
When they find out, they’ll most likely
understand my silence on the matter.
For others this is simply not
possible. Each time someone innocently asks –
“And what’s up with your boys?”
– I panic. I have found no entrance ramp
to the news that will save the person from feeling
desperately uncomfortable. Once I tried: “Oh,
they’re fine. What about yours?” but
you can imagine how that turned out. Now, I start
by describing what my older son is doing…
praying for an interruption of any sort. When
that fails, I try to change the subject. As we
get to the end of the road and they still want
an update on my younger son, I just drop the bomb.
While they stand there in shock, I jabber on about
the basics – how, when, where – then
try to gracefully exit so they can chew on the
news in private.
I have a list, stuck in a folder
somewhere, containing names of scattered friends
who haven’t heard. I want them to know but
I just can’t muster the energy to write
or call. I’ve considered giving the task
to a close friend but I know it’s my responsibility.
So they sit in the folder, innocent, with me hoping
they’ll call, so I can ruin their evening.
When I speak about these awkward
encounters, I often hear: “Well, people
don’t want to think about these things.”
Actually, I’ve found it to be the opposite:
people care enormously, and think about it all
the time when it hits close to home. Like me,
they want to know what to do, how to act and what
it all means.
Surely, with the number of sudden
deaths each year, from car accidents alone, we
could have developed some rituals to make traveling
this path easier: what to say, when to keep quiet,
when to ask questions, when to ignore. In short,
a manual would be most helpful.
But, given no guidelines, no
"rules for the road", I am forever grateful
for the care people have shown while stumbling
along with me.
Janet Torge is a writer
and film producer living in Montreal.
This essay first appeared
on the Facts & Arguments page in The Globe
and Mail.
Congratulations to Tricia McGovern
(Young Adult volunteer) and her husband, Tony
Fuoco, on the birth of their daughter,
Anikka Margaret on July 14, 2004.
Best wishes also to Grandpa Pat
and Grandma Margaret (McGovern,
former BFO Executive Director).
Congratulations to Children’s Program Advisor,
Cheryl-Lynn Roberts on the birth
of her grandson, Tristan on July
22, 2004. Mom and son are enjoying Grandma’s
visit to Quebec, though we hear that no one is
getting much sleep!
Other excited new grandparents are Chris
& Elaine Gort (Chair of BFO-Toronto’s
Board). Their son David and partner
Joanne welcomed daughter Emma
Sui-Ling to the world on August 3, 2004.
Congratulations to Martin Cogan,
Treasurer of the Board, who is also a first time
grandpa, to grandson Isaac Dane Gotfried
born on June 24th 2004.
Best wishes to Children’s Program Advisor,
Naomi Grossman and Jonathan Breido
on their recent marriage. We wish them many blessings
in their new life together.
Correction Our apologies to the Creutz family
whose son’s name incorrectly appeared
as Marcus in the last issue of Journeys.
It should have read Magnus Creutz
The sad
and sudden death of Joan McLean, a longtime
bereaved parent volunteer facilitator with
BFO-Toronto, has generated touching tributes
and donations in her memory. After her beloved
son Duncan died, and after participating
in a BFO support group, Joan became a volunteer
and completed training in 1982. Margaret
McGovern remembers that “Joan's empathy,
her sincere, non-judgmental approach as
she facilitated groups was truly appreciated
by all those grieving parents who sought
BFO's support. She was a wonderful role
model as she showed us the road ahead and
that yes, though painful, this could be
endured and that life would get better,
and no, we would not forget our children.”
We extend our deepest sympathies to her
children Bill McLean, Julia Quick and Sarah
McLean and hope that it brings them comfort
to think about the many, many people her
mother helped during her time with BFO
We are excited to welcome the five new board
members, who were elected at the June Annual General
Meeting, to BFO-Toronto. Here’s a little
bit about them. Their full biographies can be
found on the website along with those of returning
board members Elaine Gort, Karen Tsao, Lynn Belanger,
L. James Cardinal, Martin Kogan, Michael Healy
& Grant Caven and Directors Emeritus Adolfo
Puricelli, David Richards & Steven Gray.
Alyson Soko
I lost both my parents unexpectedly; my father
when I was 22; my mother when I was 32. I learned
the value of sharing with others who had also
experienced untimely death and was better able
to deal with my sense of loss and move forward
in my own life.
I graduated from the Ivey School of Business
in 1984, and after working in the commercial real
estate field for firms such as CIBC Development
Corporation, launched a career in executive search
in 1994. I am a principal with Heidrick &
Struggles International, and help organizations
recruit key senior level talent and board members.
I hope that my experience in a professional services
firm, coupled with my contacts with senior human
resources practitioners will prove beneficial
to BFO-Toronto, as will my real estate knowledge,
given our need to address the facilities issue
over the coming year.
Maureen Ford
My background and experience are diverse. I have
many years of volunteer experience with several
organizations. For six years I was President of
Central Neighborhood House (CNH), and I also served
on the Board of Neighbourhood Legal Services (NLS),
Sistering, and Obsidian Theatre.
I have over 17 year’s business management
experience in the Information Technology industry
gained in the Financial and Outsourcing Services
sectors. As a Certified Dream Coach™ I coach
individuals and executives whose dream is to accomplish
what they want in life and are willing to do what
is necessary to get it. I am also Co-founder and
Editor in Chief of choice, the magazine of professional
coaching.
I bring my values of integrity and commitment
to all that I do and believe that our relationship,
not only to life, but most importantly, with one
another, is the commitment that makes the difference.
Shawna Rich
I have been a volunteer with BFO-Toronto for ten
years facilitating groups for children, youth
and young adults, conducting one-to-one meetings,
providing intake support, public speaking, office
support and participating in public outreach events.
I recently began working at the Kids Help Phone,
where I am able to apply my personal and professional
expertise in child development, education and
evidence-based practice in the family-centered
care model, as well as program planning, child
and family counseling and assessment skills, and
a strong sense of social justice and equity. I
believe that BFO-Toronto plays a vital role in
helping and advocating for the needs of bereaved
individuals and I look forward to helping the
organization grow and develop in it’s programs
and services.
Blair Henry
I am a new board member to BFO-Toronto (July 2004)
and come to this position after spending 9 years
working in the hospice community here in Toronto.
My role in hospice involved coordinating the bereavement
program as well as the coordination of active
client care. It was through this work that I became
aware of the wonderful work being performed at
BFO-Toronto. In addition to my work in hospice
I have been the Co-chair of the AIDS Candlelight
Vigil for the past 3 years and I am currently
the Chair of the AIDS Bereavement Project of Ontario-Advisory
Committee. I currently have my own business called
Ethical Affairs, which deals with ethics education
and training in health care.
Naguib Gouda
I am thrilled to be joining the Board of BFO-Toronto
and to help it achieve its missions and goals.
Over the past twenty years, I have been fortunate
enough to be affiliated with organizations such
as The Toronto Distress Centre, SafeHaven, Tafelmusik,
The Learning Partnership and Sheena’s Place
in various capacities. I am currently the Executive
Director, Alumni and Advancement Services for
York University – a role I have held since
the beginning of 2004. Prior to then, I spent
twenty years in the private sector, holding executive
positions in marketing, communications and strategic
management at both Bank of Montreal and Manulife
Financial. Although I am not a bereaved parent,
my work at The Distress Centre as well as with
friends who have experienced such loss allows
me some insight into the endless issues that pursue
it.
BFO-Toronto 2004 Board of Directors
from left to right: Alyson Soko, Shawna Rich,
Grant Caven, Karen Tsao, Elaine Gort, Jim Cardinal,
Michael Healy, Maureen Ford, Lynn Belanger.
Missing from photo: Martin Kogan, Blair Henry,
Naguib Gouda
September presents a new series
of challenges for the bereaved, as we begin to
experience the change of seasons and all the markers
of the passage of time that painfully remind us
of who is missing in our families and in our lives.
The Labour Day Weekend, so focused
on preparing children for return to school - Rosh
Hashanah (the Jewish New Year, a time for introspection
and self-reflection) - Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement
and remembrance) – Thanksgiving - Fall Equinox
- Ramadan (the Muslim month of spiritual renewal
and reconnection to family and community) -Halloween
- a series of holidays, holydays and special occasions
that we must learn to navigate with our new reality
of grief and loss.
It’s important to remember
to be gentle with ourselves – especially
in the first year or two following our loss. Though
over time, we learn to remember our loved ones
with more than just pain and sadness, initially
these family, faith and community celebrations
and observances often intensify our feelings of
loss, missing and yearning.
We encourage you during this
time to listen to yourself. Grief affects all
parts of our beings – emotional, physical,
mental and spiritual – and it’s normal
to feel stress in these areas. It is important
to pay attention to the signals from your body,
mind, heart and spirit: get enough rest, stop
when you need to, find sources of comfort and
tenderness and ask for help if and when you need
it.
There is a wonderful book in
the BFO-Toronto library called, “A Broken
Heart Sill Beats – after your child dies.”
It is a collection of poetry, fiction and essays
on the grief experience and the search for meaning
that all bereaved people, no matter what their
loss, experience as part of the grief journey.
In this book, I found the following Jewish Prayer
for High Holydays. I offer it to you with my wish
that you find peace and comfort amidst the struggle
of learning to live with this “new normal”
of bereavement.
It is hard to sing of oneness
when our world is not complete,
when those who once brought wholeness
to our life have gone,
and naught but memory can fill
the emptiness their passing leaves behind.
But memory can tell us only what we were,
in company with those we loved;
it cannot help us find what each of us,
alone, must now become.
Yet no one is really alone;
those who live no more
echo still within our thoughts and words,
and what they did is part of what we have become.
We do best homage to our dead
when we live our lives most fully,
even in the shadow of our loss.
Our Fall series of Mutual Support Groups will
begin the third week in September. If you, or
someone you know is interested in participating,
please call the office at 416-440-0290 or check
the website www.bfotoronto.ca
for dates.
Monthly Bereavement Support Nights
Open to any adult, whether or not you have been
through a BFO-Toronto group. An informal panel
of volunteers who have experienced the death of
an expected baby, a child, a sibling or a parent
will speak about their experiences. You will have
a chance to ask questions or share, as you are
able. Space is limited, so we ask that you RSVP
by calling the office.
Dates and Topics Wednesday, September 22nd – “Taking
Care of Yourself”
We travel our journey of grief over a lifetime
and are trying to learn to live with the pain
of our loss. How do we take care of ourselves?
What tools do we use to soothe and comfort ourselves
on a daily basis and during acute periods of grief?
Wednesday, October 20th – “Drop
In”
Are you having a tough time? Feeling isolated?
Need a chance to just check in with others who
have “been there”? Come by for an
open discussion about whatever is in your heart
and on your mind this month.
Wednesday, November 17th – “Coping
with the Holidays”
Thursday, December 2nd – “Tree
of Light” at Toronto City Hall
At
our Annual General Meeting in June, volunteers
were recognized for their contribution to BFO-Toronto.
Thank you and congratulations to the following
volunteers who received special awards:
FIRST TIME FACILITATOR AND ADVISOR CERTIFICATES:
Parental: Maureen Clarke, David Cooper, Dr.
Virginia Edwards, Helen Wong, Kim MacNeil
Infant Loss: Deborah Davidson
Young Adult: Susan Shin
Young Adult/Children’s Program: Sara
Doyle, Sarah Blagg
Adolescent Program: Katrina Bernal
Advisor to Children/Adolescent Groups: Naomi
Grossman, Sandra Brown, Romy Terkel, Marni Shniffer,
Lorne Ash
Advisor to Parental Groups: Amy Bender, Annabelle
Garland
Advisor to Young Adult Groups: Aimee Watson,
Lisa Norman
FIRST TIME BOARD, COMMITTEE AND OTHER
CERTIFICATES: Felicity Duncan - Library Wendy Chiles - Office Dr. Virginia Edwards - PAC Chair
10-YEAR VOLUNTEER CERTIFICATE BFO PEN
AND PIN Shawn Rich – Young Adult, Adolescent
& Children’s Program facilitator Suzanne Waddams – Infant Loss Advisor
Two very special awards were
given to volunteers in recognition of both the
diversity and quality of their volunteer commitment
to Bereaved Families as well as their longevity
as volunteers and the effectiveness of their volunteer
efforts. The Noah Thorek Award was instituted
in 1989 by volunteer Faye Thorek and her husband
Michael, in memory of their infant son Noah who
died in 1984.
Noah Thorek Award presented to
Allison Amery by Board Member and fellow Young
Adult Facilitator Michael Healy)
Allison Amery
Following the death of her mother Nyla to cancer
when Ally was 23, and after participating in a
BFO-Toronto Young Adult Group, this volunteer
has given an incredible amount of time and effort
to support our organization. In addition to one-to-one
meetings and facilitating support groups, Ally
has helped out with our Annual Volunteer Training
Program for the last three years – giving
up precious spring weekends and arranging for
the donation of a beautiful training space through
her employer, Mackenzie Financial Corporation.
Ally’s kindness and compassion along with
her energetic enthusiasm for any task put before
her, make her an ideal recipient of this prestigious
award.
Betty and Bill Fitzpatrick
After the tragic death of their daughter Cristin
in 1994, Betty and Bill participated in a Bereaved
Parents Support Group. And like so many of our
volunteers, chose to honour their daughter’s
memory by helping other families who have experienced
a loss. Facilitators of both Parental and Children’s
Groups, they have also been stalwart supporters
of all of our special events and fundraisers -
the Walk to Remember, Big Night Out Auction and
Tree of Light. Betty has lovingly prepared the
nametags for the Tree each year and Bill always
brings special treats from his work at George
Brown College. We are truly blessed to have two
such dedicated and passionate volunteers.
As I write this report it is
almost August and I realize that the summer is
passing all too quickly. Here at the BFO-Toronto
office we have been very busy preparing for the
Fall programs, getting ready for our big fundraiser
Big Night Out and planning our public awareness
and outreach strategies.
At the Annual General Meeting
and Volunteer Recognition Dinner on June 28th
we welcomed three new Board Members, Maureen Ford,
Shawna Rich and Alyson Soko. Since then two more
Board members, Naguib Gouda and Blair Henry, who
also bring with them a wealth of experience and
knowledge, have joined the Board. We are delighted
that Elaine Gort has agreed to remain as the Chair
of the Board and I look forward to many energizing
and insightful discussions at future Board meetings.
The late Irene Clarfield’s family attended
the dinner and listened to Diane Foster, one of
the four founders of BFO, give a moving tribute
to her long-time friend and co-founder, who had
given so much to BFO over the past 25 years. One
of the highlights of the volunteer dinner, is
the presentation of the prestigious Noah Thorek
Award. This year it was awarded to Allison Amery
and Bill & Betty Fitzpatrick The evening also
included a viewing of BFO-Toronto’s new
educational video on adolescent grief, called
Behind Closed Doors – Youth Talk About Grief,
produced by the Guelph International Resource
Centre and funded by Gore Mutual Insurance Company
Foundation, The Mount Pleasant Group, The Simple
Alternative and Canadian Heritage. We were very
pleased to work with Scadding Court Community
Centre, who acted as a resource and provided space
within their centre from which much of the video
was shot.
Thanks to the creative talents
of Laura Divilio and Peter Finney (the graphic
designer behind the Journeys newsletter), a new
updated BFO-Toronto brochure is ready to go out
to the community. A public awareness newsletter,
edited by a BFO-Toronto volunteer, Margaret Hodson,
and designed by Peter Enneson, is near completion.
We hope to produce this newsletter twice a year,
to inform the healthcare sector, funeral homes,
schools, social service organizations and community
groups of BFO-Toronto’s services and programs.
In the last newsletter I mentioned
the possibility of holding a meeting to discuss
the future of our Walk to Remember. We have since
expanded the mandate of this meeting to include
a general discussion on BFO memorials –
what do they mean to us, should we hold a second
memorial at a time other than December and if
so, what would it look like? The first meeting
was held in August and another is planned.
The Toronto District School Board
has invited Vic Hill, our Child & Youth Outreach
Worker and Agnes Struik, our Child & Youth
Clinical Consultant to facilitate two professional
development sessions to social workers within
the school system in September. Ten schools have
asked us to co-facilitate an in-school bereavement
support group for youth and in October we hope
to conduct our own training workshop, which will
be open to all school personnel, who want to know
how they can better support their bereaved students.
As you can see we are very busy!
Knowing that we are reaching out to more bereaved
people, providing supportive programs and services
to grieving adults, children and youth and responding
to the needs of the BFO community is very rewarding
and gives meaning to all that we do. Appreciations
go out to our volunteers, who make this possible.
A donation was made to BFO-Toronto
to honour the 65th birthday of Dr. Vernon Gunckel.
Vern was a long time member of the Professional
Advisory Committee and an advisor to the parental
program. He was also a member of the curriculum
committee for the two day workshop offered to
outside professionals interested in developing
further expertise in the bereavement field. This
program was offered through BFO's Grief Institute
in the late '90s. In 1998, Vern climbed Mount
Kilimanjaro with some colleagues, raising needed
funds for our organization. We wish he and his
wife Shirley all the best at this new and exciting
time in their lives.
Once again this year’s event
will be held at the magnificent “CARLU”
on Wednesday, November 17th, 2004. The Carlu wowed
all who attended last year and has become a hugely
popular venue by its world-class style and design.
We are expecting over 600 people
to join us for silent and live auction with party
foods from a variety of expert caterers.
Big Night Out is a very important
fundraiser for BFO-Toronto, as the revenue generated
from this event ensures that we can continue to
provide service and programs to bereaved families
and individuals. You can help us in the following
ways:
**************************************
· By volunteering the night
of the event
· By donating new items for the auction
· By sponsoring the event
· By buying a ticket
**************************************
We appreciate your support!
For more information please call: (416) 440-0290
BFO-Toronto is proud to hold its first Storytelling
Event! Local Toronto authors and storytellers will
gather to share a treasure chest of crowd-pleasing
stories. The universal themes of loss, grief and
the cycle of life will be explored. This event is
open to children (ages 4 – 12 years) and their
caregivers/parents. Please watch the website and
future newsletters for location and time!!
TELL
US YOUR STORY
We are encouraging children to discover their
hidden writing talents and to submit their
stories to BFO-Toronto’s Storytelling
Event! The theme is “I Remember …”
stories. Remembering our loved ones by writing
a favourite memory is a special way that we
can memorialize our family members. Camping
trips, playing baseball, bedtime stories,
and walks in the park are all recollections
that can be brought to life through words.
We are looking for personal accounts, for
memories that dance off the page and fill
our hearts with love, joy and sadness. Ten
entries will be selected and these authors
will be invited to read their stories at our
Children’s Storytelling Event on November
20, 2004. A book of all entries will be published
and distributed.
RULES FOR SUBMISSION:
1. Children must be between the ages
of 4 – 12 years of age.
2. Stories must not exceed 2,000 words.
3. Stories printed or hand written must
be double-spaced.
4. Stories must be PERSONAL and TRUE and
demonstrate imagination and creativity.
5. DEADLINE: September 24, 2004.
6. Please mail your submissions to:
Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto
28 Madison Ave. (Bloor & Spadina), Toronto, ON M5R 2S1
Attention: Wendy Bray
OR
Email to: wbray@ca.inter.net
Bereaved Families
of Ontario– Toronto
PRIVACY STATEMENT
Bereaved Families of Ontario
–Toronto (BFO-Toronto) respects your
privacy. We protect your personal information
and adhere to all legal requirements with
respect to protecting your privacy. We do
not rent, sell or trade our mailing lists
or other personal information. We use your
personal information to assist us in providing
you with appropriate services, and to keep
you informed and up-to-date on the activities
of BFO-Toronto, including programs, services,
special events, funding needs, opportunities
to volunteer or to give, and more through
periodic contacts. If at any time you wish
to be removed from any of these contacts,
please contact us by telephone at 416-440-0290
or via e-mail at info@bfotoronto.ca
and we’ll gladly accommodate your request.
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supporters. Our newsletter
is available by mail and email.
We welcome submissions, please forward to
info@bfotoronto.ca.
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
for publication
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