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are the contents of the May/June newsletter. Click
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Often our experiences of motherhood encompass not only
the joy of birthing and raising children, but also
include the challenge of holding our losses close to
our hearts.
by Catherine Stafford
The reality of miscarriage is a
painful one. I’m not sure how anyone can ever, in a
whole lifetime, be expected to get over babies dying
inside them.
I have lost four babies, and each
miscarriage has become harder, not easier, to bear.
Unfortunately, to a large extent the message I have
absorbed has been to silently bear my miscarriages as
an almost unavoidable, inconvenient but minimal rite
of passage. I have been cited statistics stating the
chances of miscarriage in the first trimester. I have
been submitted to cautionary (and perhaps imaginary)
tales of trooper women who lost baby after baby but
shrugged the miscarriages off, and kept trying without
complaint or apparent grief. I was informed of my
first pregnancy by my doctor who then ended her
sentence with, “many women lose their first
pregnancies”. I know she meant only to caution me
about the reality of the risks associated with
pregnancy, but it came out sounding like she thought
we first-timers were prone to absent-mindedly
“forgetting” our pregnancies while we were out
shopping for the afternoon (“Oh no! I left my fetus at
The Gap!”). As my number of miscarriages increased, I
was warned not to “invest” in my pregnancies until the
end of the first trimester when the risk of
miscarriage became significantly lower. None of these
well-meaning but unrealistic suggestions made any
sense at all to me. The minute I conceived, I was
invested in a miracle much bigger than myself. How
could I be expected to disconnect from that, or make
sense of it when my pregnancies repeatedly turned
tragic?
Ironically, in the end the only
coping strategy that has truly worked for me has been
to fully embrace my pregnancies and subsequent
miscarriages rather than minimize them. Against a
quiet but powerful force urging me to keep silent
about my experiences, I have spoken out. It has been
harder for me to do than I thought it might be, since
it has involved consciously using language that
emphasized that my babies were all here at one time,
however briefly, and they were all real. They all had
names, identities, and individual stories. They form
as much a part of my identity as a mother as does my
having a 3-year old son.
My first wasn’t inconsequential
because she was so tiny (“only twice as big as a grain
of rice” said the specialist). She was curled up on
the ultrasound monitor screen and looked remarkably
like a jumbo shrimp. Her nickname was Bunny since we
found out that we were pregnant on Easter Sunday. We
lost her at eight weeks.
Baby Rhys came to me in a dream and told me his name.
He even spelled it for me. It was a name I had never
heard of before, and when I awoke I thought it might
be something phonetic. To my surprise, when I looked
it up on the Internet baby-name finder, there it was:
Rhys: Of Welsh origin. Male. Meaning ardent, and
fiery. I laughed delightedly when I read it, since
that certainly mirrored my experience of him so far.
When I tragically lost him, it wasn’t as simple as the
doctor made it sound (“just nature doing its job,
since the virus harmed the fetus’ normal
development”). My previously healthy baby was killed
by a virus that circulated through my blood stream and
into his. We hadn’t known I was sick until it was too
late. Even if we had known, it wouldn’t have changed
the outcome. Rhys came to me once more in a dream, to
tell me that while he desperately wanted to, he could
not stay. Strains of the Beatles song “Let It Be”
actually played in my dream and stayed with me when I
woke up and knew that he had died in the night. I
miscarried the next day. My two other miscarriages
were, for a variety of reasons, less traumatic but
still left me and my family with a sense of disbelief
and the fullness of grief.
My
attempt to honour my experiences by speaking about
them has elicited a variety of reactions from those
around me. Many have visibly winced as I spoke the
truth. Some have shifted uncomfortably and changed the
topic. Several have looked shocked at first, only to
spend a moment reflecting and then validating my
feelings. I don’t always, or even often, feel the need
to speak openly about my losses. But I always need to
feel like I could, and that my losses would be
honoured rather than questioned. I feel blessed that
in my immediate circle of close friends and family, my
miscarriages are acknowledged as deep and lasting
griefs. Bit by bit, I am working on widening that
circle to lessen not only my own sense of isolation,
but that of other women and their partners who share
in my ongoing attempt to honour our babies that for so
many sad reasons, could not stay. Ultimately, I have
grown as a mother in my understanding that the babies
that could not stay are still carried within our
hearts. And that has to be enough.
This piece was originally published in
the Globe and Mail and has been reprinted with
permission from the author. The author may be
contacted at
cathstaff@yahoo.com
Classes take place at BFO-Toronto
offices 28 Madison Ave. (Bloor & Spadina), Toronto, ON M5R 2S1.
Feedback from past
participants:
“The Yoga classes at
BFO-Toronto have helped me to learn how to relax and
be more peaceful.”
“The classes have given me
the tools to help in meditating with or without a
yoga practice. I’ve gained insight into becoming
more relaxed in stressful situations by using
breathing techniques.”
“It has helped me to handle
the stress of returning to work after a year of
being off.”
TEACHER:
Heather
Barnes has been a student of yoga for over twenty
years. Over the past three years her practice has
deepened and become an integral part of her life. In
February 2004 she received her certification as a
yoga teacher upon completion of an intensive
training programme in California. She teaches Hatha
yoga, a form of yoga that not only helps to increase
strength and flexibility but also, by focusing on
the breath, can promote relaxation and an awakening
of energy.
Heather is also a bereaved parent. Her son Joshua
died in December 1991. It is her experience with the
healing aspects of yoga in her own life, which has
inspired her to share this experience with others.
COST:
Classes are
offered free of charge to BFO-Toronto members. Yoga
mats will be provided, but we ask you that you bring
your own small blanket or towel.
Former BFO-Toronto volunteer and 1995 recipient of
the prestigious Noah Thorek Award for Outstanding
Volunteer Service, Janet
Beed
has recently accepted the position of President &
CEO at Markham Stouffville Hospital. She is leaving
her current position as
Vice President and Chief Operating Officer of
Toronto General Hospital. Janet came to BFO in the
early 80’s as a health professional to assist in
developing the structure of BFO as a
self-help/mutual support organization. She was
instrumental in the development of the Professional
Advisory Committee as well as the standards and
philosophies of the organization and also served
several terms on the provincial board of directors.
We wish Janet well in her new role.
BFO-Toronto’s dedication and
lighting ceremony for the Tree of Light
will take place at Toronto City Hall on
Thursday, December 1st. The deadline
for submitting names to be added to the Tree is
Friday, November 18th.
(Please note that we cannot guarantee names
submitted after that date will appear on the
scroll or list). You will receive the form in
the next Journeys newsletter at the end of
October. This year, beginning in mid-October,
you will also be able to submit your name(s) and
make a donation online through our website
www.bfotoronto.ca.
Perinatal Bereavement
Services of Ontario (www.pbso.ca)
supports individuals and families who have been
bereaved through
miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, medical termination,
stillbirth or neonatal death. The organization’s
work also includes developing and implementing
educational training seminars for health care
professionals, caregivers, clergy and funeral
directors on how to best support these families.
BFO-Toronto
offers mutual support programs and information to
similarly bereaved individuals and families through
our Infant Loss program.
PBSO has long
recognized October as Perinatal Bereavement Month
and invites interested families to participate in
their annual Walk on Sunday, October 2nd
at Mount Pleasant Cemetery.
Recently, a
group in the United States has begun a worldwide
movement to mark October 15th as
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. You are
invited to light a candle at 7pm (in your time zone)
to remember the many families whose lives have been
impacted by the loss of a beloved and longed for
baby. For more information, visit the website at
www.october15th.com.
Working with our fabulous banking volunteer Jane
Gardner, who comes in every Wednesday, we are
looking for someone who can help during the busy
fall/winter months processing tax receipts,
photocopying and filing and generally helping Jane
keep our banking up to date. We are hoping someone
can learn the ropes and be able to step in from time
to time when Jane is not available.
Newsletter Mailings
Every
other month, join a wonderful group of volunteers
who make sure our mailings, like the newsletter you
are reading right now, get out to our members and
community partners. Lively conversation, coffee and
muffins are provided. For those struggling with
their grief, this is a safe place to come and spend
a few hours with other bereaved people where you can
just be yourself.
Black Community Outreach Committee
Join a committed group of volunteers who advise on
the development of programs and services to the
Black community, both internally and in the
community; represent and advise on the needs of the
Black community; promote BFO-Toronto within the
Black community; assist in the evaluation of
programs and services etc. If you are a bereaved
member of the Black community or work in a community
agency/group that works with members of the Black
community, we would appreciate hearing from you.
For
more information on these and other volunteer
opportunities within BFO-Toronto, please contact our
Program Manager, Betty Ann Rutledge at 416-440-0290
ext. 11 or
barutledge@bfotoronto.ca
A
social group for widows and widowers with young
children.
We are parents of dependent children who are,
themselves, bereaved. We have all suffered the
tremendous loss of a spouse and parent. Families in
our group all have school-aged children or younger,
approximately 15 years of age and under.
Monthly get-togethers, alternating between adult
get togethers and outings with the children,
include: dancing, house parties, indoor playgrounds,
summer weekends away, movies and bowling. We try
and vary the events to limit costs, but some things
like the summer weekend away, do cost money.
“There should be a statute of limitation on
grief. A rulebook that says it is all right to
wake up crying, but only for a month. That after
forty-five days you will no longer turn with
your heart racing, certain you have heard her
call out your name. That there will be no fine
imposed if you feel the need to clean out her
desk; take down her artwork from the
refrigerator; turn over a school portrait as you
pass – if only because it cuts you fresh again
to see it. That it is okay to measure the time
she has been gone, the way we once measured her
birthday.”
Jodi Picoult
My Sister’s Keeper
Though it has been many years since I excitedly
lined up my brand new pencils, pens, erasers and
notebooks alongside my Barbie lunchbox, I still
can’t shake the feeling that September is the
time for a fresh start. A happy time when the
heat, smog and humidity give way to crisp fall
mornings and evenings cool enough for my
favourite old sweatshirt.
But beginnings can also bring painful echoes of
endings, since what we know about grief is that
each loss we experience resurrects old losses.
And so the ending of summer, the transitions of
the seasons, presents a new series of challenges
for the bereaved, as we experience the markers
of the passage of time that painfully remind us
of who is missing in our families and in our
lives.
The Labour Day Weekend, so focused on preparing
children for return to school - Rosh Hashanah
(the Jewish New Year, a time for introspection
and self-reflection) - Yom Kippur (Day of
Atonement and remembrance) – Thanksgiving - Fall
Equinox - Ramadan (the Muslim month of spiritual
renewal and reconnection to family and
community) -Halloween - a series of holidays,
holydays and special occasions that we must
learn to navigate with our new reality of grief
and loss.
Significant times of the year, anniversaries and
events can “trigger” us into another spiral of
exploring our grief, like peeling away another
layer of the onion. But equipped with support
and knowledge, these times also offer an
opportunity for healing another aspect of our
grief. In one of the best books I’ve read on the
subject, “Good Grief: Healing Through the
Shadow of Loss”, author Deborah Morris
Coryell reflects on healing and time:
“Healing is
an active process. It doesn’t happen to us; we
must participate in the process of healing.
Healing happens for us. It is a gift we give
ourselves in the moment we decide to stay “open”
to that which has broken us…. When pain speaks,
we need to listen. All it takes is paying
attention to our pain so that when it comes we
remember to breathe and get soft. We don’t want
to fight with our pain. We want to learn from
it.
Time does not heal. But healing does take time.
Give yourself the gift of time. To become whole
means that as we open to the pain, we open to
the loss. We break open and, as a consequence,
we get bigger and include more of life. We
include what would have been “lost” to us if our
hearts and minds had closed against the pain. We
include what would have been lost if we had not
taken the time to heal.”
Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto is a
community of people who have come together to
travel with one another on a healing journey.
Whether you are newly bereaved, or many autumns
have passed since the death of your loved one,
we are here for you to “hold you” in your grief.
The library is a wonderful place to come and
find words of comfort and wisdom. Our monthly
Bereavement Support Nights are open to any
bereaved adult – whatever point you are at on
your journey. You may even consider
participating in another group, especially if
you joined an initial group soon after your loss
– as you may now have reached a different point
in relationship to your grief. Our website hosts
an interactive message board where you can share
your thoughts, questions and struggles
anonymously and read about how others are
coping.
Whatever emerges for you during this time of
year – try and give yourself permission to
experience it. Surround yourself with support -
practice loving kindness, compassion, patience
and generosity with your tender self - and look
for the small ways that your heart is
healing, however slowly, around the
wounded places inside of you.
“If
we are to achieve a richer culture, rich in
contrasting values, we must recognize the whole gamut
of human potentialities, and so weave a less arbitrary
social fabric, one in which each diverse human gift
will find a fitting place. Never doubt that a small
group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the
world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”
Margaret
Mead
Our
incredible community of volunteers at Bereaved
Families exemplifies for me the kind of values and
commitment that Ms. Mead speaks about. As I have said
so many times before, BFO-Toronto’s volunteers are
beacons of hope. Year after year, they amaze and
inspire me with their dedication to continuing the
cycle of hope and healing for the bereaved people who
come to us for support.
Bereaved Families of Ontario-Toronto would not exist
without the caring and contribution of our volunteers,
and so at each AGM and Volunteer Appreciation Dinner,
we take the opportunity to thank all of the volunteers
who gave so much over the last year and especially
acknowledge volunteers in the following areas:
FIRST TIME FACILITATOR AND ADVISOR CERTIFICATES:
Parental:
Jane Smart, Shirley Shedletsky, Liz Lackner, Vanessa
Watkins
Advisor to Children/Adolescent Groups:
Kim Tiemens, Val Sonstegard
FIRST TIME BOARD, COMMITTEE AND OTHER CERTIFICATES:
Silvia Novak & Val Goulet – PAC
Azure Campbell & Wendy Bray – Fund Development
5- Year VOLUNTEER CERTIFICATE & BFO PIN
Duncan Harvie
Katherine Ross
Elaine Lonetto Kristina Turner
Kate Brown Falia Damianakis
Kim
Ramsahoye
Filomena D’Andrea
10-Year VOLUNTEER CERTIFICATE & BFO PIN
Joey Charron
Naresh Tejpal
Lori Matorcevic
20-Year VOLUNTEER CERTIFICATE AND BFO PHOTO FRAME
Faye Thorek
Each year, two very special awards are presented to
volunteers in recognition of both the diversity and
quality of their volunteer commitment to Bereaved
Families as well as their longevity as volunteers and
the effectiveness of their volunteer efforts. The
Noah Thorek Award was instituted in 1989 by
volunteer Faye Thorek and her husband Michael, in
memory of their infant son Noah who died in 1984.
This year’s very worthy recipients of the Noah Thorek
Award for Outstanding Volunteer Service to BFO-Toronto
are:
Shawna
Rich
Following the deaths of both her father and stepfather
when Shawna was an adolescent, and after participating
in a BFO-Toronto group for bereaved teens, Shawna
participated in our volunteer training program. At age
17, she was the youngest participant BFO had had in
the volunteer training program. 11 years later,
Shawna has co-facilitated many groups for bereaved
children, teens and young adults, provided one-to-one
support, done education and outreach and most
recently, spent a term on our board of directors. In
addition to being a kind, attentive and skilled
facilitator, Shawna has brought tremendous enthusiasm,
passion and commitment to helping us become a more
inclusive and vibrant community organization.
Chris
Walsh
After the sudden death of her beloved son Jason in
1998, Chris came to a support group for bereaved
parents. Remarkably, less than two years after her
son’s death, she was already thinking of supporting
others, and so went through training to become a
volunteer facilitator at BFO-Toronto. A facilitator of
groups for bereaved parents, and a consistent
supporter of our special events like the Tree of
Light, Walk to Remember and Big Night Out, Chris truly
represents the face, heart and soul of BFO-Toronto.
Her caring and compassion have helped other newly
bereaved parents find a safe place to explore the
sometimes overwhelming feelings of grief after the
death of a child and her consistent presence has given
people a place to feel like they belong during an
unreal time in their lives.
Both
Chris and Shawna represent the best about BFO-Toronto
– bereaved people on their own journey of healing, who
have found the strength and resiliency within
themselves to offer support to another wounded heart.
They are the beacons of hope that help to teach others
about learning to live with grief. They help the
healing begin.
Thanks to a generous donation of books from
Bereaved Jewish Families of Ontario, we are
pleased to let you know that we have added many
new titles to the lending library including:
“After the Death of a Child – Living with Loss
Through the Years”,
by Ann K. Finkbeiner
“Saying Kaddish – How to Comfort the Dying, Bury
the Dead and Mourn as a Jew”,
by Anita Diamant
“Mourning and Mitzvah – A Guided Journal for
Walking the Mourner’s Path Through Grief to
Healing”,
by Anne Brenner
“Mourning Has Broken – A collection of creative
writing about grief and healing”,
Mara Koven & Liz Pearl
“When a Friend Dies – A Book for Teens About
Grieving and Healing”,
by Marilyn Gootman
“Confronting the Loss of a Baby – A Personal and
Jewish Perspective”,
by Rabbi Yamin Levy
As
always, BFO-Toronto members (any individual or
family member who has participated in any of our
programs) are welcome to borrow library books free
of charge. Though this policy does mean that we
lose dozens of books every year from the
collection (people lose them or forget to return
them) we are committed to making the library as
accessible as possible.
So
we do ask that members take care when borrowing
titles. We’d also like to ask those of you who
may have unreturned books to please take a few
moments to look around and – we don’t charge fees
for overdue books, we’re just happy to have them
back in the collection as we do not have the money
to replace missing copies.
Many bereaved people find comfort and solace in
reading about grief and loss – especially personal
stories, written by other bereaved people, that
they can relate to. Thank you again to Bereaved
Jewish Families for helping us to enhance our
collection.
BFO-Toronto receives limited government funding
and no United Way funding. Over the years we
have depended almost entirely on the generosity
of our donors. Donors like you! So we appreciate
the donations our membership has provided which
helps us to help those who have been affected by
the death of a loved one. At this time we would
like to let you know the many ways in which you
can make a donation and further help us to
support others during their time of grief.
There are a
number of ways you can donate to BFO-Toronto.
In Memory
donation - you can make a donation to BFO-Toronto
in memory of your loved one.
United Way
Campaign in your workplace - you can direct
your United Way donation to BFO-Toronto.
Corporate
connections - if you have a relationship with
a corporation you think might want to make a
corporate donation to BFO-Toronto, please let
us know.
Workplace -
if you volunteer with us, and your workplace
has an employee volunteer grant program, you
can submit BFO-Toronto for consideration.
Monthly
giving - $5, $10, $20 a month, through credit
card or by sending a copy of a voided
cheque.
Payment
Options:
by cheque
made out to BFO-Toronto
by credit
card - VISA, Mastercard, American Express
online -
Its simple! Just go to
www.bfotoronto.ca and click on the Donate
Now button.
Summer
at BFO-Toronto is a time of
preparation – preparing for
our fall programs and events.
This summer was no exception.
This year we have been
focusing on our Youth program,
public awareness and of
course, fundraising.
At our
Annual General Meeting and
Volunteer Recognition Dinner
in June, we celebrated the end
of the 2004/2005 year. Once
more it had been an exciting
and productive year. At the
meeting the membership
approved By-Law #2, which
included new criteria for
membership. Two potential
board members, Danny Anckle
and Allison Amery whom I
mentioned in the previous
newsletter, were voted in and
we are very pleased to have
them on board!
After a
delicious dinner we
acknowledged the time and
commitment that many
volunteers have given to BFO-Toronto,
including 20 years of
volunteering by Faye Thorek,
who was unable to attend as
she was facilitating her last
Infant Loss Group. This year’s
recipients of the prestigious
Noah Thorek Award were Chris
Walsh and Shawna Rich (see
page 7). Congratulations and
thank you to Chris and Shawna!
Our
Youth Program is progressing
well. We have received funds
from the City of Toronto’s
Breaking the Cycle of Violence
Grant Program and from an
anonymous donor, to provide
programs for youth in
communities that are presently
in crisis, including the
former City of York. As a
result we have hired a Youth
Program Worker to work with
bereaved youth, specifically
within the Black Community.
His name is Duane Spencer and
he comes with a lot of
experience working with youth,
specifically those who are
at-risk.
In June,
we held a community-based
workshop for youth workers at
the Maria A. Shchucka District
Library. Participants were
given a deeper understanding
of what a grieving youth may
be experiencing and they were
provided with ways to help
youth express and explore
their grief.
Two
committees have been
particularly busy this summer.
The Communications Committee
with Katrina, our Special
Events and Communications
Coordinator, are presently
developing youth-friendly
promotional materials to
inform youth of our programs.
In conjunction with this, our
web-master Rick Martin and
Kathleen Roy are developing
web pages and a bulletin board
aimed at youth.
The Fund
Development Committee has
quite a task ahead of it. We
need to consistently raise
more funds for our core
programs, which are not
eligible for project funding.
With our special
fundraiser/auction – Big
Night Out moving to the
Spring of 2006, there is even
more pressure to acquire
donations which will enable
our organization to continue
to provide its programs and
services. I urge you to please
consider supporting our
fundraising initiatives
outlined below. We are also
planning to target
corporations we feel we have a
connection or existing
relationship to ask them to
generously donate to our very
worthy cause.
In
September, Janina Joseph
Walker will be returning as
Black Community Outreach
Worker and Vic Hill will be
leaving the position of Child
& Youth Outreach Worker to
pursue other interests.
Fortunately, Vic has agreed to
stay on with BFO-Toronto in a
consulting capacity with a
specific focus on bereaved
youth and social workers
within the school system.
Take
care everyone,
Janet Wilson
Executive Director
Bereaved Families
of Ontario– Toronto
PRIVACY STATEMENT
Bereaved Families of Ontario
–Toronto (BFO-Toronto) respects your
privacy. We protect your personal information
and adhere to all legal requirements with
respect to protecting your privacy. We do
not rent, sell or trade our mailing lists
or other personal information. We use your
personal information to assist us in providing
you with appropriate services, and to keep
you informed and up-to-date on the activities
of BFO-Toronto, including programs, services,
special events, funding needs, opportunities
to volunteer or to give, and more through
periodic contacts. If at any time you wish
to be removed from any of these contacts,
please contact us by telephone at 416-440-0290
or via e-mail at info@bfotoronto.ca
and we’ll gladly accommodate your request.
This newsletter is produced
for our members and supportes and is available
by mail and on our webstie. We welcome submissions,
please forward to info@bfotoronto.ca.
We reserve the right to edit items submitted
for publication. The opinions and ideas expressed
by our members and other authors in this newsletter,
represent their own unique experiences of
grief and do not necessarily reflect the views
of BFO-Toronto.
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